RIP PINUS

Dear Loyal Followers,

This blog is soon to be dead. I'm chopping it apart and transporting it in bits and pieces to my new blog. I felt it was time to evolve. Everything changes with time, and I've changed too - I've outgrown The Pinus. It's served its purpose for the time it was running, but now, I feel it's time to move up.

Thank you for reading so avidly, it's why I kept writing. 

My new blog can be found at www.ticktockthings.wordpress.com

Don't hesitate to try it out!

Yours in endless retardation,

Dash.

You're a falling star; you're the getaway car; you're the line in the sand, when I go too far....

Shall I tell you something about best friends? They're like band aids and cotton candy all rolled into one. Just when I began to wonder if everything I wanted, but couldn't get to because it was on the other side of that glass door that I couldn't open, was hopelessly and completely out of my reach...along comes D with her magic wand, advice on the best kinds of sugar loaded snacks to make me feel better and the key I needed so badly.

Thank God for best friends - the ones whose presence is all you need for comfort; whose solace is all you need for calm; whose absurd conversation is all you need to make the storm clouds disappear - the ones with the magic wands and barbecue flavoured corn snacks and reminiscences over the best kind of richly flavoured vanilla ice cream to find in the middle of nowhere.

Oh. There's Hope.

Kabhi Kabhi Mere Dil Mein...

7 Months today world. I miss her terribly so, more than ever...because I know that if she were around, I'd have a safe haven. Karma could chuck at me whatever she wanted, and my mother could give me the evil eye for as long as she wanted, but all I had to do was go to my Grandmother and she'd make me a cup of hot something, and fresh carrot and pecan muffins, and sit around telling me old stories of yesteryear...and everything would seem all that much less difficult. I miss her so much. I miss her so much that it's a physical ache.

The rainbow comes and goes,
And lovely is the rose;
The moon doth with delight
Look round her when the heavens are bare;
Waters on a starry night
Are beautiful and fair;
The sunshine is a glorious birth;
But yet I know, where'er I go,
That there hath past away a glory from the earth.
      -Ode on Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood
                                                                                   William Wordsworth-

Jack of Hearts

I often wonder when exactly Karma's going to give me a break and just let me be...every time I think I can take a breath or smile a little too much, she hits me with some fucked up version of a happily ever after - where nothing is exactly happily ever after. It's like I have to walk around all the time wearing a karma-proof vest and never take it off (I have no idea what I've ever done to piss her off so much truth be told), even when there doesn't seem to be something even remotely suspicious about life - just in case she decides to go agro on me (again).

I've found though, that the best way to deal with it is prayer. I know, I sound holier-than-thou, but I'm not and it's true. It really is the only thing that gets me through each day - that and the knowledge that before I go to sleep, I would have heard Ordinary Guy's voice, at least once. I've found, that it's sort of like meditation; your mind goes quiet and the world seems to just let you be for those few minutes. And you kind of don't feel so alone any more - as corny as it sounds, it really does feel as if God's sitting across and listening to you. And really, nothing seems too tough to handle when it feels like the Highest Being ever imaginable is by your side. It's like, "Yeah, bring it on karma!" <insert invincible meditative feeling here>.

Speaking of Ordinary Guy, he performed the most awesome magic card trick for me today! Quite frankly, I'm still reeling. It was actually thoughtful, and mind-blowing, and rather amazing.

And speaking of amazing - hello USA general elections! The American public has made me quite proud of them for effectively utilising their brain cells again. President Obama's acceptance speech was, true to form, moving: he really is a brilliant orator. I've never been a fan of the US of A (you all know that), but he really does inspire me, and inspire in me a hope that The World has potential to make better on itself - not much of a star spangled fan, but definitely forever after a President Barrack Obama fan.

And speaking of Presidents, I read an article recently regarding our very own - which you should all read as well I think, so hit the link Loyal Pinus Followers ---> "Leave the Chief Alone". Also, I hear that parties in parliament are to file a motion of no confidence against him. Hear, Hear! I say. It's a start!

Oh. And one more thing:

Dear Karma,
Despite your best efforts, I'm happy. I know you're going to fuck around with me terribly much in the months to come, but here's the deal: I can see the silver lining; the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow; the last freaking purple unicorn alive (and all that). So honestly, I'm happy and I'm going to stay happy despite your best efforts. You know why? No, I don't have an Ace up my sleeve; what I do have, however, is a Jack of Hearts. Plus, I'm one tough cookie (just ask Eid day's sheep).
xxxo Dash

If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ...

I cried today. Not all out tears and not with snot and blubbering (thank the good Lord), but I cried. I tried not to. For the first time in a very, very long while, I tried to hold back the tide. It takes a lot to make me cry as you all have probably figured out, and I bet you're all wondering what finally broke down my dry wall...anger. That's your answer. It was anger that made me melt. Anger and the thought that possibly the one thing which has turned me into a better person, is the one thing that I'm supposed to be expected to walk away from.

I was angry, because I got tired of everyone assuming that they know what's best for me. I got so angry that everyone seems to know what's best for me, besides myself; at everyone telling me how to feel and what to do, and disregarding the fact that I am a rational, thinking, feeling human being, who has the right to make a choice regarding the rest of her life too - who should have more of a say in the matter than most. My parents think me young - and I am - but I am not immature, though in their minds I am probably incapable as yet of making logical life changing decisions of monumental magnitude. Ordinary Guy thinks me young too, I know he does, though he has never before decided for me, on something that affects me so greatly too; he thinks me inexperienced and with no full comprehension of what I have and what I stand to lose; he has never before acted in loco parentis.

And so I snapped. I AM young and I AM inexperienced. What I am NOT, however, is stupid or irrational. As much as I don't like to admit it, I am my mothers daughter; I may seem like my father, but intrinsically, I am my mothers daughter - and to tell you the truth, it does relieve me somewhat: my mother is an amazing woman. She is strong and she is intelligent and she is confident and steadfast in her beliefs; she is a hard-worker and when the going gets tough, my mother gets tougher; she doesn't suffer fools and she isn't scared to voice her opinions; my mother has made a success of her life, in circumstances where others might have failed. Despite our differences, I am relieved that I am a piece of her.

And so, it angers me when it is assumed that I am incapable of rationally making a decision regarding my own life. Such decisions aren't taken lightly - I don't wake up one morning and suddenly decide to chuck it all to heck. I am a thinker. And I live scenarios in my head till each one feels like deja vu, till the results and consequences are more familiar to me that the original thought process itself. And I am a firm believer in having a little faith - it's a small treasure that goes a long way in calming me down and organising my mind and my emotions; it's what helps me realise my mantra of "first with the head, then with the heart." Faith, dear Pinus Followers, is a useful and underestimated tool of life.

I was thinking about it today while I was driving home. I watched the speedometer climb and remembered what Ordinary Guy asked me the other day, "Why do you drive so fast?"  It wasn't purely for the thrill of it, or because I could, because the elegant machine I was steering was capable of it so I simply would...no, that was part of the reason, the main reason, is because it's one thing I can control to a greater degree than most things in my life. Anybody who knows me, knows that I never do anything slowly. I talk fast, I write fast, I think fast, I walk fast, I read fast, I drive fast...the things I can control, I like to pace at my own speed, because everything else in my life seems to be determined by everyone else. I drive fast, not solely for the thrill of it, but more for feeling of being in control that it gives me.

I know who I've chosen. I know why I've chosen him. And contrary to popular belief, I know what exactly I am choosing. 

Small Mercies

It's been a while, since I've had a bad dream. It's been so long, that I nearly forgot what it was like to have those. The thing is though, they always seem to come back, most especially when I least expect them...almost as if to remind me, "yes, we'll always be there."

The silver lining though, is that this time I woke myself up. I wasn't just a spectator. I woke myself up. I've never woken myself up from one of those before: usually I just sit there and watch, and then wake up when my dream person simply can't take it any more. 

Silver linings are important. Silver linings are small mercies. Thank God for silver linings. 

Inexplicable paradox

I have a theory: Ordinary Guy is addictive.
The more time I spend with him, the more time I want to spend with him, and the more I miss him when I'm not with him. It's like a craving that gets more and more unmanageable the more I satiate it.
Which is why weekends are good. Weekends create space. Weekends are healthy...but weekends are Oh, so difficult to get through.

Twice

I visited Ordinary Guy's home. I was beginning to think he didn't want me there. Shall I tell you something else? I'm glad I got to visit. I'm pretty sure Ordinary Guy was apprehensive, but I'm glad he let me walk into his world. I like it, I do, because it's his.

I met Fred! I have to say, he's pretty fantastic. I could sit around and watch him all day. He's not an eel by the way, though he looks like one, he's actually a Rope Fish. A fantastic little Rope Fish. 

Concluding from September and November, a months' 1st day is turning into quite the memorable occasion for me. I wonder what next month's 1st has in store (yes, I'm grinning like I've just won the lottery -  according to some sources though, I pretty much have). 

Post 6/6 5) Oct 30th Tues: Exam #2

Ordinary Guy on no sleep and overdosing on Monster is quite a sight to see, I have to say. Kinda hilarious really - his second language is obscenity, though he says it all so candidly, that even the rocks and trees he addresses probably want to laugh at him.
Exam #2 was much more pleasanter - in fact, I have a really good feeling about it. Poor Ordinary Guy on the other hand, had TWO, much less one, to get through - and they were immediately one after the other. I felt really bad for him, but you know what? He's quite the clever cookie himself, I'm somehow sure he'll kick my butt again this semester overall anyway. I think it's a fact of life I've now come to accept (said no one ever).

Post 5/6 - 4) Oct 29th Mon: When I've Had a Bad Day

I've taken one down, going to sing a sad song just to turn it around

Ok, so not really. But I did have a bad day. It began with the monthy hormonal issues (I think) and add to that the exam I was due to write in the afternoon.

The real victim of the day though, was Ordinary Guy. He turned over his own schedule to take me to write said exam - and he really didn't have to. He wore my favourite colour. He bought me chocolates. He rubbed my sore back. He tried to make me laugh. He dropped me off and picked me up and took me to the beach. He didn't fuss and he didn't complain and took my acidic mood in stride and tried to just make me generally feel better despite.

Until it was time to take me home and we ran into the mothership, causing me to completely lose it. Trust me, anybody who knows me would never think I was capable of a freak out of such exponential results - I'm usually the one throwing a bucket of ice water on you when you freak out; I never do the freaking out myself, ever! I reverted into some form of juvenile-retardation and yelled things at him which I don't even remember. And he remained calm throughout the episode - like he had been all day. Until I crossed some invisible border into total meltdown-land. And then he snapped...but it wasn't the kind of snap that gave you whiplash. No. It was the kind of snap that stunned you into silence and wiped away any and all forms of freak-out - I absolutely forgot why I was freaking out in the first place.

I deserved that, I did. But, the one time he does let his annoyance show (albeit if that's his annoyance, I don't ever want to see him angry), he goes ahead and apologises. He had nothing to apologise for, yet he did, numerous times. I behaved like a juvenile bitch all day and he put up with it obligingly...seriously, I would have slapped me (forget ice water) had I not been me at that stage.

My (extra)Ordinary Guy. Karma had better be extra good to him.

Post 4/6 3) Oct 28th, Sun: Some Other Stuff

Because tonight will be the night

that I will fall for you, over again,

don't make me change my mind...

You know that moment, when you realise that everything you ever thought you were had changed. And that the change took place so insidiously that you never even felt it happening, till one day you woke up and looked in the mirror and saw someone else. And the really scary part is, that you didn't mind the fact that you were someone else. And everything you once saw as superfluous and cotton-candy now seemed very much everything you ever wanted - except you never knew it before now. And then at the same time, you're not sure, because a part of you wants to pack your bags and run in the opposite direction - but a bigger part of you wants to hold on and never let go. And then the more you think about it, the more you realise, that you would do anything to make sure you never botched this up...that there's never been anything before that you wanted to get so right. Even though, you really don't know what you're doing or what the next step is after this sudden epiphany...all you know, is that you want to make it work.

Because a guy like you is impossible to find. 

Post 3/6 - 2) Oct 27th Sat, Atticus's Adventure & A Family Reunion

Dear old Atticus seems to possess a proclivity for getting me lost on dirt roads - at the most inopportune times. This time, I'd meant to stop by Ordinary Guy and pick up some notes, and we instead (in addition) ended up taking a drive into The Hills. My personalised tour turned into a 'let's see where this road goes', until of course, we realised, it probably never ended. Ordinary Guy insists that we were not lost - but we reached a place with its own post box and everything! - and a school in the middle of the middle of the middle of nowhere, which he didn't even know existed (and he's supposed to know that place like the back of his hand)...which proves my whole lost theory pretty much I think. In all honesty, I didn't mind being lost one bit - in fact, it was kind of fun (he somehow makes everything fun), but I had time constraints and it wasn't the smartest thing in the world to do when I was supposed to be back at the house within the half an hour. I don't think I'd mind getting lost again really - you know how I love my adventures - just some other day, in some other car, at some other time...

And then, I had a family reunion to attend. Now, as I've said, my family is massive. In the small town we live in, I'm probably related to half the people here. 150 people attended the reunion, all from different parts of the world, and this was just a quarter of a quarter of my family - my mother's mother's mother's side. We arrived fashionably late, due to my afternoon spent hitting the books and immediately were pulled into the fold of hugs and kisses and hand shakes. The evening unravelled like ribbons of memories, and speeches were made and games were played and food was served, and good nature was sprinkled about like confetti. It was an evening to remember, full of laughter and sharing and even a little sadness when we remembered those who were no longer with us. I'm glad we had this family reunion. I'm glad I have a family like mine - despite the little drama's and small scandals and our differences...it feels good to feel as if I belong to something larger than myself. That's what I want for my one-day-future-children...to know their roots and know their branches and know the leaves that make up their family tree. I want them to be able to have those memories and laughter and I suppose even a bit of sadness (that comes with the territory) of by-gone days one day. This whole weekend, beginning from Eid, made me realise that that's what I want for them: to feel included in something, to belong, to have a place and a group of people to call their own. I want them to have a childhood filled with aunts and uncles and cousins and good food and good times..."Family means no one is ever forgotten or left behind".

Post 2/6 - 1) Oct 26th, Friday: An Ordinary Eid

So, the day began, as usual, early in the morning before the sun was up. My sheep had arrived the day before (yes, I'm quite possessive of said creatures - considering I did help pick them and I am the only one who spent time bonding with them) and as soon as I woke up, I went downstairs to have one final conversation with them. They were used to me by this time - or my voice - I'm not sure; possibly both, or neither (I may have just become simply another feature in the environment by then - much like the creepy crawlies on the ground).

Family began to arrive, and the anticipation began to build up. And then it was time to slaughter the first one. I remember, when I was younger, I used to cry. I was never really thrilled at the prospect at all. I used to refuse to attend to even watch. I was a scardey-cat of the highest degree. In recent years, however, I seem to have grown up - or grown a thicker skin...or maybe matured. I'm not sure. In either scenario: I've become a more active participant in the whole process.

Oh, and Ordinary Guy spent Eid with us. Now, that's not really as simple as it sounds. Spending Eid with me entails having to endure my rather loud, volatile and large family (just my immediate family alone, which includes my mothers siblings and their kids is enough to intimidate anybody - approx 27 of us that day).You know what the amazing thing is though? He survived. Yup, sure, he nearly chickened out right outside my front door - but the point is that he totally manned up and took the bull by the horns (I thought it was an appropriate metaphor too). To tell you the truth, I don't think I would have been able to walk into that situation had our roles been reversed.

The morning flew by and my family seemed to take the presence of a new face quite well - better than I expected in all honesty (my bluster of confidence before hand was all one big act - I was stressed out to the max inside, nervous as heck and wondering what in fudge I'd been thinking orchestrating this). I'm not sure, but I think Ordinary Guy enjoyed his morning - minus the awkwardness (which he insists was present though I didn't feel at all) - and learnt a few things about being handy with a butchers knife. Also, I have to say it was refreshing for me to be able to teach him something - considering that he usually knows everything and I usually feel like a juvenile delinquent around him.

It was a messy, bloody day and I know for a fact that I stank of sheep by the end of the morning - and looked as if an abattoir threw up on me...but so did Ordinary Guy (to a lesser degree) and I actually enjoyed this Eid (more than usual) - besides the fact that it was one of the few times I looked at my boisterous family and thanked my lucky stars for them, because we do have fun together; make memories; keep traditions alive; share the love, despite our differences...it was also pretty wonderful to have Ordinary Guy around for that. You know, I was quite proud of my family too that day, and I'm sort of glad that I introduced them to him then, because it was probably the most accurate representation of what we're all about.

I suppose it was unfair of me to throw him in the deep end like that - but he did have a choice you know...I'm glad that he chose us though. Despite the fact that it turned the rest of his day all topsy turvy (I do feel guilty about that too).

I'm back!

Hi World!

Did you miss me? It's been a while! I've barely had time to breath.

Let's see, when was my last post? I can't remember, sometime last week...

What's happened since then? I shall summarise:

1) An Ordinary Eid

2) Atticus's Adventure & A Family Reunion

3) Some Other Stuff

4) When I've Had a Bad Day

5) Exam #2

So, since there's SO MUCH to tell you, I'm going to break the posts down. Here we go (Yes, prettyboy, just for you). Let the over-load begin.

Study-mode Activated

When you realise that you have 474 pages (286 of which are fine print) to study and you basically have only 2.5 days in which to do it in, you realise, you're quite frankly, fucked.

Nope, I'm not yet stressed. I'm awesome. It's doable.
Posts will be infrequent and sporadic till next Thursday.
I'm running on 6 hours of sleep for the past 60 hours by the way.

Burn the midnight oil, bring out the Redbull, bring on hermitville; my room = the beginning and end of my world for a while - of course, Eid and a family reunion are going down this weekend...karma trying to get back at me for something or the other (possibly for getting snarky with Ordinary Guy) by breaking my rhythm - but hey, adapt to survive and all that.

Miss me World. Peace out.
P.s I just realised that I've outdone myself on the pun front today - it takes the cake for the post with the most number of sexual innuendos (obviously all unconscious. Pssht).