You get nice guys & then you get...Ordinary Guy

Good Morning lovely people of Planet Earth (or the ones who read this anyway). I've been quite the bitch lately - without ever meaning to - and now that I've realised it, I feel quite the bitch about it too. My mind has been a cesspit of bitter memories and private frustrations for the past few days, which I've tried unsuccessfully to erase or blot out (oh, how I miss my Running!), but last night as I fell asleep, I thought to myself, "this is absurd. There are worse things in life than a few measly nightmares - snap out of it!", and it's about time I did so too!
You see, I've been lashing out at Ordinary-Guy - who, you all know, is quite not so ordinary, and who honestly doesn't deserve or need that in his life at all...and what makes me feel even worse, is that he takes it with a resigned sigh and still tries to make me laugh. The perfect gentleman - whoever said chivalry was dead?
Fortune Cookie says: In small proportions we just beauties see, and in short measures life may perfect be. (Actually, I think Ben Johnson wrote it).
Therefore, I'm going to man-up! and lick my wounds, and be kinder to Ordinary-Guy.
Have a beautiful Sunday World! Don't use the people who treat you well as your punching bag - and listen to Ben Johnson (he seems to know what he's talking about).
Goodnight - Sex on Legs (my bed) is calling me back to sleep (because some family members of mine decided to wake me up earlier than usual because they couldn't find things that were right in front of their eyes - I told you: Groundhog Day is coming soon!)

Have you stopped to wonder, what Ramadaan is about?

Right now, I'm just plain down annoyed. Everyone decides to turn over new leaves in the auspicious month of Ramadaan - which is all well and good, even I try my best to be an even better person - but most people can't grasp the simple concept of Ramadaan itself. It's not simply to wear your cloaks & scarves, or to perform every Salaah (prayer) at the Musjid or punctually (because admit it, many of us are procrastinators outside of this blessed month), and it's not only about being the most charitable than you've been all year round, or reading the most Qura'an. Ramadaan is the month to teach us about tolerance, and will power, and empathy - empathy for our fellow human beings, both in this beautiful country of ours and outside it, who have nothing to eat or drink from morning till evening. It's supposed to teach us to appreciate what we have, because there are many in the world who don't have even a tenth of it. It's supposed to teach us, "waste not, want not". It's supposed to teach us how to use our resources sparingly, because what we have, and what we take for granted, are luxuries and commodities very few can afford in other parts of the world - or really, even just around the corner from our own homes sometimes. The thing is, people forget this: I think we waste more food inside the month of Ramadaan than outside of it. Which defeats the whole purpose don't you think? Stuff yourselves at Sehri so you can last the whole day - never mind that someone in Somalia would be grateful for a single date, if you don't get your egg and toast and cup of tea and bowl of cereal and banana, there is no way you're going to make it through the day. And if you don't stuff yourself at Iftaar, then where's the satisfaction in the fast? I see the waste, even in my own household, and it disgusts me. It doesn't mean that just because we can spread out a decadent feast every night and morning, we should - in fact, that's all the more reason not to! And what irks me even more, is the way people are so immature and suddenly can't contain themselves every time they're faced with the temptation of food during the day - the whole idea of tolerance becomes redundant when you complain of hunger pangs continuously. Do I really have to ask you to think of those who are faced with those same gut wrenching feelings every day? Of those who survive off of a meagre Sehri, uncomplainingly, simply because they have no other choice - even outside the month of Ramadaan? It actually angers me - because we have so much, and yet we learn so little from the blessed month.

"O you who believe, fasting is decreed for you, as it was decreed for those before you, that you may become righteous." (Qura'an [2:183])

Substitutions

I have a lot on my mind today - so much, that I'm sorely tempted to track-pants and jt it and run everything out of my system - alas, that's not possible (my body is still healing from the silly horse fall). So, I think, instead I'm going to brave the beach...yes, I'm that desperate. I need to think, I need to sort out the cacophony clashing about in my head. And I need to talk. And the ocean, is always a good listener.
It's at times like these that I very much miss D and her conversations without so many words that always makes me feel better...and Bean with her bubbling enthusiasm and quiet acceptance, and her hand holding mine tight to let me know she's there and she's not going anywhere.
The ocean might not do either of those things...but the fresh, salty sea breeze and rhythmic beat of the shoreline always sets my mind at ease.

Ramblings of a former blue pixie

If I had to drop dead in the near future, I wonder how my family would function. At first, I used to think rather well - my mother's efficiency would over ride any grief they might feel - but now, I'm not so sure. I think, if I had to die, they would feel the pinch (at the very least). My reasoning is simple: they would no longer have any one around to take care of the unreasonable details that they prize so much...contrary to popular belief, the magic blue pixies do not take care of any of it.
I don't know if it's my sleep deprivation typing this all up - or if this is really how I feel - but, right now, I'm kinda really fed up. I'd like to bury myself in a little hole and hibernate for a while, let them go a little crazy without me, and then come back out - and it will be awesome: like Groundhog Day!

Breaking the Habit

I was highly annoyed with myself this morning, because I kept trying to draw something and my hands just couldn't translate onto paper what I could see in my mind's eye. I gave up after a while, and covered my effort up in disgust - I shall reattempt it's correction after this post.

For now though, there are a few things I have the (urgent) need to discuss! The first being more news on Lawrence of CodeName SWAG notoriety - yup, this kid has yet again impressed me with his ability to start something fresh, with no clue about how it's going to end, but the ultimate aim being to try and set the bench mark. The best part is, he usually goes it alone and brings us into the fray when he's sure he's got his latest project up on it's feet - and the projects just keep rolling out. His latest is a discussion forum spanning across the board - it's still a baby, but the wide variety of topics and the reach he has with the teen populace might just ensure that Digital Street makes its mark. Follow the aforementioned link and register to start posting - and you might want to use "Dash" as a reference when doing so. It's brilliant to see the youth empowering themselves this way - refreshing really - which is why I'm doing all I can to help this budding (and rather talented) young programmer achieve his aspirations. If you haven't read about Law yet in my previous post at the beginning of the year, click on the ffg link ---> Lawrence Jugmohan and read all about his illustrious young career. 

The next thing on my list for today (and it's been bugging me ever since I read the headline this morning), is the announcement by Zimbabwean Prime Minister, Morgan Tsvangirai, that President Robert Mugabe is ready to give up power, should he lose the next election. At first, I scoffed at the idea, but then the better part of me unveiled by Ramadaan decided to be optimistic. Robert Mugabe, who could have exited his country's politics a renowned hero and lived in its history books as a pioneer and revolutionary - instead chose the infamous title of dictator; tyrant; the man who raped Zimbabwe, and why? Greed. Avarice. Pride. Yet, who is to say that he hasn't locked it all away in Pandora's Box and really will allow his country to move forward into a new era? I'm looking at the new constitution that was drafted up on Friday as a good sign, and I'm pretty sure that international sanctions are helping the cause too. 

And the third piece for the day - Linkin Park is going to be burning through SA! I simply couldn't resist sharing this bit of tantalizing news. I'm off music for the month, but I couldn't help that jump of excitement that sparked through me when I read this up. I probably won't be attending, but for those who plan on: you'd better get cracking: Computicket sales open for the JHB show (Nov 10th) tomorrow (26th July) and for the Cape Town show (Nov 7th) on the 27th. For more info hit the link ---> Computicket Rules & Details. I scheme they took my blogpost to heart last year and decided to show us just how relevant they still are (they read it? Oh, I wish!). Why are all you LP freaks still reading this?! You should already be orchestrating your master plan to score tickets!

For now, I'm gone World - maybe try to draw some - or maybe not. Either way, peace out!

Shake it out

I engaged in quite a bit of introspection today World. I read somewhere, that the most difficult place to be in life is not when nobody understands you, it's when you don't understand yourself. I've always thought that I've understood myself pretty well - but yet again, I've managed to be a surprise. I'm not a weak person by nature: I've grown a thick skin over the years. I may seem like a candy-floss-new-kid-off-the-block, but that's because I work very hard to be that way. They say, a picture is worth a thousand words - it's completely true. I paint a picture every day, one that most people find it easy to believe in. I don't think it's fair...it reminds me of a lie - but at the same time, I think I'm doing them a favour. Show them a pretty picture, and they're bound to ask few questions. Show them the alternate and suddenly they want a thousand words. I love my words, but sometimes, even words fail me. And that's when I turn to my hobbies: my drawings, my poetry, my daily jogs - and when I can, my exhausting swims. I've become so independent and so reliable on simply beating out the complications from my system on my own, that I've forgotten what it means to have someone else around who could be affected by them. Someone who won't, or can't understand. It's not their fault - but it's also unfair to them, because I don't think that's what they signed up for.
This someone once said to me, "the only thing to fear, is fear itself." At the time, I understood what they meant, but I couldn't really share the sentiment. Late last night - or rather, early this morning - I found myself categorising all those things that gave me pause, all those things that stole my words, all those things that wrapped me up in my iron mask...and realised, that they all linked back to one thing: fear. I'm not yet sure how to get rid of that fear - I thought that I had it under control; I thought that I had it bolted away tight...turns out I was wrong. Every now and then it creeps out and scares the bejeebies out of me - even when really, I have nothing to fear at all. It's irrational, I know...but I haven't yet learnt how to stare it in the eye and not lose my nerve. So that's a new goal for me this year World: shake out the fear.

I should be asleep

Today I heard the epic tale of how D got stranded in Ethopia. Remind me to never fly Ethopian Airlines ever. It was quite hilarious, truth be told, but that probably has everything to do with hindsight. Poor D - though, it makes for a pretty good adventure!
Speaking of adventures...I think I need one. Some might argue I've had more than enough adventures between my road-trip through India and then the Drakensberg to last me for a good few years...but anybody who knows me knows that's never enough. I'm already itching for another great adventure and I don't think my backs healed properly from the last moderate one as yet.
Also, I think I'm immune to painkillers - the last time I remember a painkiller really knocking me out, was the morphine drip when I was in hospital in 2009. I just lay awake - well in semi-slumber - for the past two hours, and woke up now absolutely frikkin wide awake.
Oh, what do I do with this wierdly wired internal clock of mine?!
Happy Sleeping world - I think now's about the time most of you normal people knock out.

Family is forever?

There's something about babies that gives you a warm fuzzy feeling inside. I don't want one (yet), but honestly, I am completely helpless in the face of a child who stands there wobbling on his feet and raises his arms towards me with this, "pick me up please" look on his face.
I met my nephew for the first time today - at 13 months (my family dynamics is quite complicated). From the time he latched onto me, he stole my heart...and when he gripped my fingers ardently, trying to pull me into the car with him when it was time to leave, and I had to untangle myself and step away, I felt quite sad.
By the time I see him again, he will have forgotten how much he liked me, or probably even what I look like.
They say, blood is thicker than water. I'm not so sure when it comes to my family. We're familiar strangers, walking on borders where there should be none.
He blew me a kiss from his tiny palm, waiting expectantly for my gasp of surprise and dramatic excitement. It was a party-trick to him...to me, it was a little treasure. I caught it, and tucked it away safe - something I'll remember, even when he can't remember who I am.

Advice

Here's a little advice for the guys: if you make plans with a girl - don't stand her up. Or at the very least, reply to her texts when she asks about your whereabouts.
Coz see, the thing is, a girl will go out of her way. She'll curl her hair and wear a dress (which is huge especially when said girl is the ultimate tom boy) and buy food for you (coz she figures that after a long, hard day at work, you're going to be starving)...and she'll wait. For an hour.
And then drive off, feeling like an idiot who got stood up.
The excuse might be a valid one, but you know what...at least inform her. So she doesn't end up feeling like a fool.
So guys, do yourselves - and her - a favour. And don't make promises you can't keep - even little ones.

Sigh

Something is definitely wrong with me World. Lately I find myself getting nervous an awful lot - everyone knows, I. don't. get. nervous. ever.

I honestly don't know what it is. It's confusing. And slightly unnerving (oh haha <note: sarcastic laugh> yes, I said 'unnerving'). Ok, majorly unnerving. Oh boy. 

I best be off now, before the butterflies in my tummy decide to eat their way out (yes, it's that bad) - things to do, places to go, people to see (yes, the sleepy little town not so far away from here is not a dead end, contrary to popular belief). 

xxxo people of the World, peace out

My Formula

My mother, is right now, having a go at my dad for his 'selective memory'. I'm sitting here, in my room, and quite literally laughing at the hypocrisy.

You know what's missing from the world today? Principles. Not many people have them any more. Or maybe they do, and just choose to let them lie low.

Now, I'm no expert on ethics, but I do try my best and there are four golden rules I've tried my best to live by:
1) Don't make a promise you can't keep.
2) Don't promise something you can't give.
3) Don't be in anyone's debt.
4) Don't judge a person till you've walked in their shoes.

I may not be perfect (far from it, in fact), but I think at least this one aspect of my life philosophy makes sense.

Anti-aging

Ordinary Guy is really quite far from ordinary. He makes me feel 20 again. Having to be older than my retarded self was getting tiring...and, you know what World? I was growing to dislike the forty year old me I was turning into. He makes me laugh, and smile - and aggravates me sometimes - but on the whole, he makes me happy...he even takes my snarky comments and caustic remarks in stride. He makes me feel young and stupid again; I never thought I'd say this but, I've missed feeling young and stupid.
Happy Monday!
P.s yesterday was far less sucky than I anticipated.

Hakuna Matata

You can't please the whole world, World. Something I've learnt the hard way. My happiness seems to be tied in direct proportion to my parents unhappiness. As if the only way to keep them happy, is to make sure I put a lid on any happy vibes I might be feeling. It's very wierd. My life is wierd.
You know the funny thing is, I thought I was doing everything right this time around. I was really trying. It doesn't please me to yank their chain - but I somehow end up doing it anyway without meaning to.
Today is going to be a crappy day - a wonderful end to an aggravating weekend. Adio's loyal followers, here's to hoping your day is exponentially better than mine.

Coolbeans - this one is for You.

I've recently been introduced to this word World, and you know, it's quite grown on me: so much so, that I wondered why on earth I didn't know about it all my life. I mean seriously, "coolbeans!" it's kinda catchy and a bit incongruous (and you know how I love all things whacky).
And another thing, for the first time ever, somebody knew what Pinus was! Actually, this someone gave me (ME!) a lecture on the characteristics and properties of Pinus (Ordinary-Guy). It was rather smile-inducing really. I never knew that anybody could be so passionate about Pinus.
Can I tell you what else is coolbeans? I fell asleep before 12.30am last night. I fell asleep and had wonderful, uninterrupted, irate free, wierd-dream less, sweet sleep. You can thank Ordinary-Guy for that. I should thank Ordinary-Guy for that...thank you Ordinary-Guy (told you that I needed to be inspired. Well, feel proud of yourself - I'm inspired).

Home is where the heart lies...

I went for a walk today, and couldn't help but relive all my memories of my little beach-side 'village'. Growing up here probably gave me the best childhood I could ever have asked for. From the age of six, I was traipsing up and down the roads all by my lonesome little self, and back then I had no comprehension of the danger the big, bad world posed. Except here was different, here was safe, here was my cocoon from the rest of the big, bad world.
I sat up on the grassy hill today and just closed my eyes and listened to everything around me. I could hear the cars on the main road, and the crashing of the tide; I could hear a few birds, and the annoying monkeys in the trees; I could hear two maids having a conversation down the road; I could hear the wind sighing through the trees; I could hear my own heartbeat content and steady. When I opened my eyes, there were two dogs on my little grassy hill: frolicking and chasing each other. One was brown and one was black and they looked to be cross-breeds of a sort. I sat there watching them, wishing to myself (for about the thousandth time), that I had my own dog (r.i.p Simba, my twelve year old german shepherd) and then these two random pooches came up to me and started sniffing about, and I made two new friends. It's amazing how dogs can tell so much about you just by licking your hand. And then the big, bad boere-bull from the house next door poked his head through the fence and began barking his ugly head off. I swear it scared the bejeebies out of me. I jumped straight up onto my feet and stood there frozen, staring at it hanging through the fence, my legs poised to run in the opposite direction (there was no standing fearless and calm next to this mad hatter) if it so much as looked like it was about to wiggle through. It didn't (thank God. To be quite honest I wasn't very sure if I could outrun it anyway - or if I'd just be giving it the thrill of the chase), and my two new friends emboldened by the razor wire securing the bully, began barking their own heads off right back at it.
I decided to do one more loop of the road, and then on my way back up, I walked back past that ugly dogs house, just to prove to myself that I could (I hate being scared of something. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger...and all that).
And then I saw the little rock just past our own house, where if you stand, you have a really neat view. And I couldn't resist, so I stepped up on it and gloried in the beautiful vista spread out before me. And the wierdest and most pleasant thing happened: I saw D and I, at the age of about 12, walking up the street at the bottom. It was a memory (obviously), but it was like, I'd just seen our younger spectres. And I could almost see myself jump up under the fruit tree at the end of the road to see if I could spring one, and hear D's hiss of, "Stop it Lai! What if someone sees?" And it made me smile to myself: this huge retarded grin and I could feel the good times running through my veins.
No matter where I move to eventually, this beautiful place will always be my real home.

A different kind of school

To see a man, once so strong, so sturdy and so fit, reduced to a sharp edges, a stomach of air and frail old joints, does much for one's own sense of triviality.
To see a man, with a once booming voice and commanding tone, meekly answering you like a child and looking to you for the answers he would never have needed to ask the questions to just six years past, shows you just how short today is, with tomorrow looming ever near.
To see a man, who was once a pillar of strength, reduced to an invalid relying on someone's hand, or a walking stick, or any other object near enough to support his weight, makes you appreciate the flexibility and power in your limbs.

I see such a man every day and night. And every day and night, God teaches me about Humility.

They're the people who have to love you, and always will, no matter how many times you screw up

As much as I get frustrated with my family, and as much as we don't see eye to eye on the finer details of my life...I live for the days when we're all together. Family is family. You sometimes hate them; you fight with them; you scold and get scolded by them; you joke around and tease one another; you know the best and worst of each...and through it all, they will always be the people you love the most. I'm not sure if its because the biological bond is so irrefutable, or because your lifeline is so tied in with theirs...but it's the truth.
I'm the eldest of the 'children' in our family: the first child; granddaughter; niece. I was spoilt rotten since before I was even out in the world. My parents insist that I arrived with eyes wide open, already eager not to miss a thing. And if the stories are to be believed, I had everyone wrapped around my tiny pinky finger - the golden child. Right up until I grew old enough to realise that I didn't have to be what everyone else wanted me to be. I used to be the child who aimed to please...but I soon learned that every time I obliged others at the cost of my own happiness, I grew to dislike myself more and more. And despite the dissent it has sown between my parents and myself, I have grown to depend on this person I've become - because if you can't live with yourself, then really, you should be rethinking your life and who you think you are.

Any of the people who really know me (or get as close to knowing me as anyone ever will), know how much I frustrate my parents and how much they frustrate me. They know too, how it never pleases me to aggravate them so, or any of the other members of my extended family who invariably feel as if they've contributed to the state of affairs simply by being the main contributors to my life growing up. It's never easy being the one who falls from grace, but I guess it's even more difficult for those who push you off the precipice, especially when they're the very same people who would take a bullet for you (if it ever came down to it). Which, I suppose, is the main reason why we've all managed to meet in the middle. I love them and they love me, and all we want is for one another to be happy - and yes, sometimes world war will occur (we are a family after all) - but there's usually a ceasefire before anyone's rope truly snaps. It helps a lot, I think, that I lock away that part of me who rebels, and think of it rather as a compromise for the greater good, rather than a casualty - remembering that I will always be their 'baby'; their little niece; their impish grandchild no matter how old I grow, and that their patronisation is their own contorted way of holding onto that child of the past who entered their lives and stole their hearts.

And here's the thing, when it's good between us all - it's really good. My family can honestly make you feel as if you're truly and undoubtedly a part of something. As if you're the only puzzle piece that will fit in that spot. This whole post is really an effect of this weekend - sitting around joking and laughing and teasing and playing board games exuberantly, or playing thanee amid the tumult that usually accompanies such games;  mealtimes, which are always such jovial affairs (you should see us on Eid days, it's an absolute riot when the whole clan is together); watching a movie with the children...and this morning after breakfast, when I went to  wash the cars (since I use them, at no cost to myself, I figured that the least I could do was keep them shiny), true to form, the simple business of washing a car was never really that simple at all....Standing there in the sunshine, watching my uncle chase my brother around with the hose pipe, already dripping wet myself, delighting in the laughter of the children at the back and the yells of my brother as he tried uselessly to fight the onslaught of water coming his way, I couldn't help but smile in wonder at how lucky I was to have this family. This family who aggravates and stifles me; who doesn't understand or can't understand who or what I am; who sees the world in their one hundred shades of black and white; who taught me my abc's and 123's and drove hundreds of kilometres every weekend when I was little, just to make sure that I had the best childhood they could possibly imagine...this family, I love. And I wouldn't trade any of them for anything in the world. No matter how many times I feel like I don't belong, there are always days like these to remind me that I do.