You're a falling star; you're the getaway car; you're the line in the sand, when I go too far....

Shall I tell you something about best friends? They're like band aids and cotton candy all rolled into one. Just when I began to wonder if everything I wanted, but couldn't get to because it was on the other side of that glass door that I couldn't open, was hopelessly and completely out of my reach...along comes D with her magic wand, advice on the best kinds of sugar loaded snacks to make me feel better and the key I needed so badly.

Thank God for best friends - the ones whose presence is all you need for comfort; whose solace is all you need for calm; whose absurd conversation is all you need to make the storm clouds disappear - the ones with the magic wands and barbecue flavoured corn snacks and reminiscences over the best kind of richly flavoured vanilla ice cream to find in the middle of nowhere.

Oh. There's Hope.

Kabhi Kabhi Mere Dil Mein...

7 Months today world. I miss her terribly so, more than ever...because I know that if she were around, I'd have a safe haven. Karma could chuck at me whatever she wanted, and my mother could give me the evil eye for as long as she wanted, but all I had to do was go to my Grandmother and she'd make me a cup of hot something, and fresh carrot and pecan muffins, and sit around telling me old stories of yesteryear...and everything would seem all that much less difficult. I miss her so much. I miss her so much that it's a physical ache.

The rainbow comes and goes,
And lovely is the rose;
The moon doth with delight
Look round her when the heavens are bare;
Waters on a starry night
Are beautiful and fair;
The sunshine is a glorious birth;
But yet I know, where'er I go,
That there hath past away a glory from the earth.
      -Ode on Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood
                                                                                   William Wordsworth-

Jack of Hearts

I often wonder when exactly Karma's going to give me a break and just let me be...every time I think I can take a breath or smile a little too much, she hits me with some fucked up version of a happily ever after - where nothing is exactly happily ever after. It's like I have to walk around all the time wearing a karma-proof vest and never take it off (I have no idea what I've ever done to piss her off so much truth be told), even when there doesn't seem to be something even remotely suspicious about life - just in case she decides to go agro on me (again).

I've found though, that the best way to deal with it is prayer. I know, I sound holier-than-thou, but I'm not and it's true. It really is the only thing that gets me through each day - that and the knowledge that before I go to sleep, I would have heard Ordinary Guy's voice, at least once. I've found, that it's sort of like meditation; your mind goes quiet and the world seems to just let you be for those few minutes. And you kind of don't feel so alone any more - as corny as it sounds, it really does feel as if God's sitting across and listening to you. And really, nothing seems too tough to handle when it feels like the Highest Being ever imaginable is by your side. It's like, "Yeah, bring it on karma!" <insert invincible meditative feeling here>.

Speaking of Ordinary Guy, he performed the most awesome magic card trick for me today! Quite frankly, I'm still reeling. It was actually thoughtful, and mind-blowing, and rather amazing.

And speaking of amazing - hello USA general elections! The American public has made me quite proud of them for effectively utilising their brain cells again. President Obama's acceptance speech was, true to form, moving: he really is a brilliant orator. I've never been a fan of the US of A (you all know that), but he really does inspire me, and inspire in me a hope that The World has potential to make better on itself - not much of a star spangled fan, but definitely forever after a President Barrack Obama fan.

And speaking of Presidents, I read an article recently regarding our very own - which you should all read as well I think, so hit the link Loyal Pinus Followers ---> "Leave the Chief Alone". Also, I hear that parties in parliament are to file a motion of no confidence against him. Hear, Hear! I say. It's a start!

Oh. And one more thing:

Dear Karma,
Despite your best efforts, I'm happy. I know you're going to fuck around with me terribly much in the months to come, but here's the deal: I can see the silver lining; the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow; the last freaking purple unicorn alive (and all that). So honestly, I'm happy and I'm going to stay happy despite your best efforts. You know why? No, I don't have an Ace up my sleeve; what I do have, however, is a Jack of Hearts. Plus, I'm one tough cookie (just ask Eid day's sheep).
xxxo Dash

If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ...

I cried today. Not all out tears and not with snot and blubbering (thank the good Lord), but I cried. I tried not to. For the first time in a very, very long while, I tried to hold back the tide. It takes a lot to make me cry as you all have probably figured out, and I bet you're all wondering what finally broke down my dry wall...anger. That's your answer. It was anger that made me melt. Anger and the thought that possibly the one thing which has turned me into a better person, is the one thing that I'm supposed to be expected to walk away from.

I was angry, because I got tired of everyone assuming that they know what's best for me. I got so angry that everyone seems to know what's best for me, besides myself; at everyone telling me how to feel and what to do, and disregarding the fact that I am a rational, thinking, feeling human being, who has the right to make a choice regarding the rest of her life too - who should have more of a say in the matter than most. My parents think me young - and I am - but I am not immature, though in their minds I am probably incapable as yet of making logical life changing decisions of monumental magnitude. Ordinary Guy thinks me young too, I know he does, though he has never before decided for me, on something that affects me so greatly too; he thinks me inexperienced and with no full comprehension of what I have and what I stand to lose; he has never before acted in loco parentis.

And so I snapped. I AM young and I AM inexperienced. What I am NOT, however, is stupid or irrational. As much as I don't like to admit it, I am my mothers daughter; I may seem like my father, but intrinsically, I am my mothers daughter - and to tell you the truth, it does relieve me somewhat: my mother is an amazing woman. She is strong and she is intelligent and she is confident and steadfast in her beliefs; she is a hard-worker and when the going gets tough, my mother gets tougher; she doesn't suffer fools and she isn't scared to voice her opinions; my mother has made a success of her life, in circumstances where others might have failed. Despite our differences, I am relieved that I am a piece of her.

And so, it angers me when it is assumed that I am incapable of rationally making a decision regarding my own life. Such decisions aren't taken lightly - I don't wake up one morning and suddenly decide to chuck it all to heck. I am a thinker. And I live scenarios in my head till each one feels like deja vu, till the results and consequences are more familiar to me that the original thought process itself. And I am a firm believer in having a little faith - it's a small treasure that goes a long way in calming me down and organising my mind and my emotions; it's what helps me realise my mantra of "first with the head, then with the heart." Faith, dear Pinus Followers, is a useful and underestimated tool of life.

I was thinking about it today while I was driving home. I watched the speedometer climb and remembered what Ordinary Guy asked me the other day, "Why do you drive so fast?"  It wasn't purely for the thrill of it, or because I could, because the elegant machine I was steering was capable of it so I simply would...no, that was part of the reason, the main reason, is because it's one thing I can control to a greater degree than most things in my life. Anybody who knows me, knows that I never do anything slowly. I talk fast, I write fast, I think fast, I walk fast, I read fast, I drive fast...the things I can control, I like to pace at my own speed, because everything else in my life seems to be determined by everyone else. I drive fast, not solely for the thrill of it, but more for feeling of being in control that it gives me.

I know who I've chosen. I know why I've chosen him. And contrary to popular belief, I know what exactly I am choosing. 

Small Mercies

It's been a while, since I've had a bad dream. It's been so long, that I nearly forgot what it was like to have those. The thing is though, they always seem to come back, most especially when I least expect them...almost as if to remind me, "yes, we'll always be there."

The silver lining though, is that this time I woke myself up. I wasn't just a spectator. I woke myself up. I've never woken myself up from one of those before: usually I just sit there and watch, and then wake up when my dream person simply can't take it any more. 

Silver linings are important. Silver linings are small mercies. Thank God for silver linings. 

Inexplicable paradox

I have a theory: Ordinary Guy is addictive.
The more time I spend with him, the more time I want to spend with him, and the more I miss him when I'm not with him. It's like a craving that gets more and more unmanageable the more I satiate it.
Which is why weekends are good. Weekends create space. Weekends are healthy...but weekends are Oh, so difficult to get through.

Twice

I visited Ordinary Guy's home. I was beginning to think he didn't want me there. Shall I tell you something else? I'm glad I got to visit. I'm pretty sure Ordinary Guy was apprehensive, but I'm glad he let me walk into his world. I like it, I do, because it's his.

I met Fred! I have to say, he's pretty fantastic. I could sit around and watch him all day. He's not an eel by the way, though he looks like one, he's actually a Rope Fish. A fantastic little Rope Fish. 

Concluding from September and November, a months' 1st day is turning into quite the memorable occasion for me. I wonder what next month's 1st has in store (yes, I'm grinning like I've just won the lottery -  according to some sources though, I pretty much have). 

Post 6/6 5) Oct 30th Tues: Exam #2

Ordinary Guy on no sleep and overdosing on Monster is quite a sight to see, I have to say. Kinda hilarious really - his second language is obscenity, though he says it all so candidly, that even the rocks and trees he addresses probably want to laugh at him.
Exam #2 was much more pleasanter - in fact, I have a really good feeling about it. Poor Ordinary Guy on the other hand, had TWO, much less one, to get through - and they were immediately one after the other. I felt really bad for him, but you know what? He's quite the clever cookie himself, I'm somehow sure he'll kick my butt again this semester overall anyway. I think it's a fact of life I've now come to accept (said no one ever).

Post 5/6 - 4) Oct 29th Mon: When I've Had a Bad Day

I've taken one down, going to sing a sad song just to turn it around

Ok, so not really. But I did have a bad day. It began with the monthy hormonal issues (I think) and add to that the exam I was due to write in the afternoon.

The real victim of the day though, was Ordinary Guy. He turned over his own schedule to take me to write said exam - and he really didn't have to. He wore my favourite colour. He bought me chocolates. He rubbed my sore back. He tried to make me laugh. He dropped me off and picked me up and took me to the beach. He didn't fuss and he didn't complain and took my acidic mood in stride and tried to just make me generally feel better despite.

Until it was time to take me home and we ran into the mothership, causing me to completely lose it. Trust me, anybody who knows me would never think I was capable of a freak out of such exponential results - I'm usually the one throwing a bucket of ice water on you when you freak out; I never do the freaking out myself, ever! I reverted into some form of juvenile-retardation and yelled things at him which I don't even remember. And he remained calm throughout the episode - like he had been all day. Until I crossed some invisible border into total meltdown-land. And then he snapped...but it wasn't the kind of snap that gave you whiplash. No. It was the kind of snap that stunned you into silence and wiped away any and all forms of freak-out - I absolutely forgot why I was freaking out in the first place.

I deserved that, I did. But, the one time he does let his annoyance show (albeit if that's his annoyance, I don't ever want to see him angry), he goes ahead and apologises. He had nothing to apologise for, yet he did, numerous times. I behaved like a juvenile bitch all day and he put up with it obligingly...seriously, I would have slapped me (forget ice water) had I not been me at that stage.

My (extra)Ordinary Guy. Karma had better be extra good to him.