You're a falling star; you're the getaway car; you're the line in the sand, when I go too far....

Shall I tell you something about best friends? They're like band aids and cotton candy all rolled into one. Just when I began to wonder if everything I wanted, but couldn't get to because it was on the other side of that glass door that I couldn't open, was hopelessly and completely out of my reach...along comes D with her magic wand, advice on the best kinds of sugar loaded snacks to make me feel better and the key I needed so badly.

Thank God for best friends - the ones whose presence is all you need for comfort; whose solace is all you need for calm; whose absurd conversation is all you need to make the storm clouds disappear - the ones with the magic wands and barbecue flavoured corn snacks and reminiscences over the best kind of richly flavoured vanilla ice cream to find in the middle of nowhere.

Oh. There's Hope.

Kabhi Kabhi Mere Dil Mein...

7 Months today world. I miss her terribly so, more than ever...because I know that if she were around, I'd have a safe haven. Karma could chuck at me whatever she wanted, and my mother could give me the evil eye for as long as she wanted, but all I had to do was go to my Grandmother and she'd make me a cup of hot something, and fresh carrot and pecan muffins, and sit around telling me old stories of yesteryear...and everything would seem all that much less difficult. I miss her so much. I miss her so much that it's a physical ache.

The rainbow comes and goes,
And lovely is the rose;
The moon doth with delight
Look round her when the heavens are bare;
Waters on a starry night
Are beautiful and fair;
The sunshine is a glorious birth;
But yet I know, where'er I go,
That there hath past away a glory from the earth.
      -Ode on Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood
                                                                                   William Wordsworth-

Jack of Hearts

I often wonder when exactly Karma's going to give me a break and just let me be...every time I think I can take a breath or smile a little too much, she hits me with some fucked up version of a happily ever after - where nothing is exactly happily ever after. It's like I have to walk around all the time wearing a karma-proof vest and never take it off (I have no idea what I've ever done to piss her off so much truth be told), even when there doesn't seem to be something even remotely suspicious about life - just in case she decides to go agro on me (again).

I've found though, that the best way to deal with it is prayer. I know, I sound holier-than-thou, but I'm not and it's true. It really is the only thing that gets me through each day - that and the knowledge that before I go to sleep, I would have heard Ordinary Guy's voice, at least once. I've found, that it's sort of like meditation; your mind goes quiet and the world seems to just let you be for those few minutes. And you kind of don't feel so alone any more - as corny as it sounds, it really does feel as if God's sitting across and listening to you. And really, nothing seems too tough to handle when it feels like the Highest Being ever imaginable is by your side. It's like, "Yeah, bring it on karma!" <insert invincible meditative feeling here>.

Speaking of Ordinary Guy, he performed the most awesome magic card trick for me today! Quite frankly, I'm still reeling. It was actually thoughtful, and mind-blowing, and rather amazing.

And speaking of amazing - hello USA general elections! The American public has made me quite proud of them for effectively utilising their brain cells again. President Obama's acceptance speech was, true to form, moving: he really is a brilliant orator. I've never been a fan of the US of A (you all know that), but he really does inspire me, and inspire in me a hope that The World has potential to make better on itself - not much of a star spangled fan, but definitely forever after a President Barrack Obama fan.

And speaking of Presidents, I read an article recently regarding our very own - which you should all read as well I think, so hit the link Loyal Pinus Followers ---> "Leave the Chief Alone". Also, I hear that parties in parliament are to file a motion of no confidence against him. Hear, Hear! I say. It's a start!

Oh. And one more thing:

Dear Karma,
Despite your best efforts, I'm happy. I know you're going to fuck around with me terribly much in the months to come, but here's the deal: I can see the silver lining; the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow; the last freaking purple unicorn alive (and all that). So honestly, I'm happy and I'm going to stay happy despite your best efforts. You know why? No, I don't have an Ace up my sleeve; what I do have, however, is a Jack of Hearts. Plus, I'm one tough cookie (just ask Eid day's sheep).
xxxo Dash

If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ...

I cried today. Not all out tears and not with snot and blubbering (thank the good Lord), but I cried. I tried not to. For the first time in a very, very long while, I tried to hold back the tide. It takes a lot to make me cry as you all have probably figured out, and I bet you're all wondering what finally broke down my dry wall...anger. That's your answer. It was anger that made me melt. Anger and the thought that possibly the one thing which has turned me into a better person, is the one thing that I'm supposed to be expected to walk away from.

I was angry, because I got tired of everyone assuming that they know what's best for me. I got so angry that everyone seems to know what's best for me, besides myself; at everyone telling me how to feel and what to do, and disregarding the fact that I am a rational, thinking, feeling human being, who has the right to make a choice regarding the rest of her life too - who should have more of a say in the matter than most. My parents think me young - and I am - but I am not immature, though in their minds I am probably incapable as yet of making logical life changing decisions of monumental magnitude. Ordinary Guy thinks me young too, I know he does, though he has never before decided for me, on something that affects me so greatly too; he thinks me inexperienced and with no full comprehension of what I have and what I stand to lose; he has never before acted in loco parentis.

And so I snapped. I AM young and I AM inexperienced. What I am NOT, however, is stupid or irrational. As much as I don't like to admit it, I am my mothers daughter; I may seem like my father, but intrinsically, I am my mothers daughter - and to tell you the truth, it does relieve me somewhat: my mother is an amazing woman. She is strong and she is intelligent and she is confident and steadfast in her beliefs; she is a hard-worker and when the going gets tough, my mother gets tougher; she doesn't suffer fools and she isn't scared to voice her opinions; my mother has made a success of her life, in circumstances where others might have failed. Despite our differences, I am relieved that I am a piece of her.

And so, it angers me when it is assumed that I am incapable of rationally making a decision regarding my own life. Such decisions aren't taken lightly - I don't wake up one morning and suddenly decide to chuck it all to heck. I am a thinker. And I live scenarios in my head till each one feels like deja vu, till the results and consequences are more familiar to me that the original thought process itself. And I am a firm believer in having a little faith - it's a small treasure that goes a long way in calming me down and organising my mind and my emotions; it's what helps me realise my mantra of "first with the head, then with the heart." Faith, dear Pinus Followers, is a useful and underestimated tool of life.

I was thinking about it today while I was driving home. I watched the speedometer climb and remembered what Ordinary Guy asked me the other day, "Why do you drive so fast?"  It wasn't purely for the thrill of it, or because I could, because the elegant machine I was steering was capable of it so I simply would...no, that was part of the reason, the main reason, is because it's one thing I can control to a greater degree than most things in my life. Anybody who knows me, knows that I never do anything slowly. I talk fast, I write fast, I think fast, I walk fast, I read fast, I drive fast...the things I can control, I like to pace at my own speed, because everything else in my life seems to be determined by everyone else. I drive fast, not solely for the thrill of it, but more for feeling of being in control that it gives me.

I know who I've chosen. I know why I've chosen him. And contrary to popular belief, I know what exactly I am choosing. 

Small Mercies

It's been a while, since I've had a bad dream. It's been so long, that I nearly forgot what it was like to have those. The thing is though, they always seem to come back, most especially when I least expect them...almost as if to remind me, "yes, we'll always be there."

The silver lining though, is that this time I woke myself up. I wasn't just a spectator. I woke myself up. I've never woken myself up from one of those before: usually I just sit there and watch, and then wake up when my dream person simply can't take it any more. 

Silver linings are important. Silver linings are small mercies. Thank God for silver linings. 

Inexplicable paradox

I have a theory: Ordinary Guy is addictive.
The more time I spend with him, the more time I want to spend with him, and the more I miss him when I'm not with him. It's like a craving that gets more and more unmanageable the more I satiate it.
Which is why weekends are good. Weekends create space. Weekends are healthy...but weekends are Oh, so difficult to get through.

Twice

I visited Ordinary Guy's home. I was beginning to think he didn't want me there. Shall I tell you something else? I'm glad I got to visit. I'm pretty sure Ordinary Guy was apprehensive, but I'm glad he let me walk into his world. I like it, I do, because it's his.

I met Fred! I have to say, he's pretty fantastic. I could sit around and watch him all day. He's not an eel by the way, though he looks like one, he's actually a Rope Fish. A fantastic little Rope Fish. 

Concluding from September and November, a months' 1st day is turning into quite the memorable occasion for me. I wonder what next month's 1st has in store (yes, I'm grinning like I've just won the lottery -  according to some sources though, I pretty much have). 

Post 6/6 5) Oct 30th Tues: Exam #2

Ordinary Guy on no sleep and overdosing on Monster is quite a sight to see, I have to say. Kinda hilarious really - his second language is obscenity, though he says it all so candidly, that even the rocks and trees he addresses probably want to laugh at him.
Exam #2 was much more pleasanter - in fact, I have a really good feeling about it. Poor Ordinary Guy on the other hand, had TWO, much less one, to get through - and they were immediately one after the other. I felt really bad for him, but you know what? He's quite the clever cookie himself, I'm somehow sure he'll kick my butt again this semester overall anyway. I think it's a fact of life I've now come to accept (said no one ever).

Post 5/6 - 4) Oct 29th Mon: When I've Had a Bad Day

I've taken one down, going to sing a sad song just to turn it around

Ok, so not really. But I did have a bad day. It began with the monthy hormonal issues (I think) and add to that the exam I was due to write in the afternoon.

The real victim of the day though, was Ordinary Guy. He turned over his own schedule to take me to write said exam - and he really didn't have to. He wore my favourite colour. He bought me chocolates. He rubbed my sore back. He tried to make me laugh. He dropped me off and picked me up and took me to the beach. He didn't fuss and he didn't complain and took my acidic mood in stride and tried to just make me generally feel better despite.

Until it was time to take me home and we ran into the mothership, causing me to completely lose it. Trust me, anybody who knows me would never think I was capable of a freak out of such exponential results - I'm usually the one throwing a bucket of ice water on you when you freak out; I never do the freaking out myself, ever! I reverted into some form of juvenile-retardation and yelled things at him which I don't even remember. And he remained calm throughout the episode - like he had been all day. Until I crossed some invisible border into total meltdown-land. And then he snapped...but it wasn't the kind of snap that gave you whiplash. No. It was the kind of snap that stunned you into silence and wiped away any and all forms of freak-out - I absolutely forgot why I was freaking out in the first place.

I deserved that, I did. But, the one time he does let his annoyance show (albeit if that's his annoyance, I don't ever want to see him angry), he goes ahead and apologises. He had nothing to apologise for, yet he did, numerous times. I behaved like a juvenile bitch all day and he put up with it obligingly...seriously, I would have slapped me (forget ice water) had I not been me at that stage.

My (extra)Ordinary Guy. Karma had better be extra good to him.

Post 4/6 3) Oct 28th, Sun: Some Other Stuff

Because tonight will be the night

that I will fall for you, over again,

don't make me change my mind...

You know that moment, when you realise that everything you ever thought you were had changed. And that the change took place so insidiously that you never even felt it happening, till one day you woke up and looked in the mirror and saw someone else. And the really scary part is, that you didn't mind the fact that you were someone else. And everything you once saw as superfluous and cotton-candy now seemed very much everything you ever wanted - except you never knew it before now. And then at the same time, you're not sure, because a part of you wants to pack your bags and run in the opposite direction - but a bigger part of you wants to hold on and never let go. And then the more you think about it, the more you realise, that you would do anything to make sure you never botched this up...that there's never been anything before that you wanted to get so right. Even though, you really don't know what you're doing or what the next step is after this sudden epiphany...all you know, is that you want to make it work.

Because a guy like you is impossible to find. 

Post 3/6 - 2) Oct 27th Sat, Atticus's Adventure & A Family Reunion

Dear old Atticus seems to possess a proclivity for getting me lost on dirt roads - at the most inopportune times. This time, I'd meant to stop by Ordinary Guy and pick up some notes, and we instead (in addition) ended up taking a drive into The Hills. My personalised tour turned into a 'let's see where this road goes', until of course, we realised, it probably never ended. Ordinary Guy insists that we were not lost - but we reached a place with its own post box and everything! - and a school in the middle of the middle of the middle of nowhere, which he didn't even know existed (and he's supposed to know that place like the back of his hand)...which proves my whole lost theory pretty much I think. In all honesty, I didn't mind being lost one bit - in fact, it was kind of fun (he somehow makes everything fun), but I had time constraints and it wasn't the smartest thing in the world to do when I was supposed to be back at the house within the half an hour. I don't think I'd mind getting lost again really - you know how I love my adventures - just some other day, in some other car, at some other time...

And then, I had a family reunion to attend. Now, as I've said, my family is massive. In the small town we live in, I'm probably related to half the people here. 150 people attended the reunion, all from different parts of the world, and this was just a quarter of a quarter of my family - my mother's mother's mother's side. We arrived fashionably late, due to my afternoon spent hitting the books and immediately were pulled into the fold of hugs and kisses and hand shakes. The evening unravelled like ribbons of memories, and speeches were made and games were played and food was served, and good nature was sprinkled about like confetti. It was an evening to remember, full of laughter and sharing and even a little sadness when we remembered those who were no longer with us. I'm glad we had this family reunion. I'm glad I have a family like mine - despite the little drama's and small scandals and our differences...it feels good to feel as if I belong to something larger than myself. That's what I want for my one-day-future-children...to know their roots and know their branches and know the leaves that make up their family tree. I want them to be able to have those memories and laughter and I suppose even a bit of sadness (that comes with the territory) of by-gone days one day. This whole weekend, beginning from Eid, made me realise that that's what I want for them: to feel included in something, to belong, to have a place and a group of people to call their own. I want them to have a childhood filled with aunts and uncles and cousins and good food and good times..."Family means no one is ever forgotten or left behind".

Post 2/6 - 1) Oct 26th, Friday: An Ordinary Eid

So, the day began, as usual, early in the morning before the sun was up. My sheep had arrived the day before (yes, I'm quite possessive of said creatures - considering I did help pick them and I am the only one who spent time bonding with them) and as soon as I woke up, I went downstairs to have one final conversation with them. They were used to me by this time - or my voice - I'm not sure; possibly both, or neither (I may have just become simply another feature in the environment by then - much like the creepy crawlies on the ground).

Family began to arrive, and the anticipation began to build up. And then it was time to slaughter the first one. I remember, when I was younger, I used to cry. I was never really thrilled at the prospect at all. I used to refuse to attend to even watch. I was a scardey-cat of the highest degree. In recent years, however, I seem to have grown up - or grown a thicker skin...or maybe matured. I'm not sure. In either scenario: I've become a more active participant in the whole process.

Oh, and Ordinary Guy spent Eid with us. Now, that's not really as simple as it sounds. Spending Eid with me entails having to endure my rather loud, volatile and large family (just my immediate family alone, which includes my mothers siblings and their kids is enough to intimidate anybody - approx 27 of us that day).You know what the amazing thing is though? He survived. Yup, sure, he nearly chickened out right outside my front door - but the point is that he totally manned up and took the bull by the horns (I thought it was an appropriate metaphor too). To tell you the truth, I don't think I would have been able to walk into that situation had our roles been reversed.

The morning flew by and my family seemed to take the presence of a new face quite well - better than I expected in all honesty (my bluster of confidence before hand was all one big act - I was stressed out to the max inside, nervous as heck and wondering what in fudge I'd been thinking orchestrating this). I'm not sure, but I think Ordinary Guy enjoyed his morning - minus the awkwardness (which he insists was present though I didn't feel at all) - and learnt a few things about being handy with a butchers knife. Also, I have to say it was refreshing for me to be able to teach him something - considering that he usually knows everything and I usually feel like a juvenile delinquent around him.

It was a messy, bloody day and I know for a fact that I stank of sheep by the end of the morning - and looked as if an abattoir threw up on me...but so did Ordinary Guy (to a lesser degree) and I actually enjoyed this Eid (more than usual) - besides the fact that it was one of the few times I looked at my boisterous family and thanked my lucky stars for them, because we do have fun together; make memories; keep traditions alive; share the love, despite our differences...it was also pretty wonderful to have Ordinary Guy around for that. You know, I was quite proud of my family too that day, and I'm sort of glad that I introduced them to him then, because it was probably the most accurate representation of what we're all about.

I suppose it was unfair of me to throw him in the deep end like that - but he did have a choice you know...I'm glad that he chose us though. Despite the fact that it turned the rest of his day all topsy turvy (I do feel guilty about that too).

I'm back!

Hi World!

Did you miss me? It's been a while! I've barely had time to breath.

Let's see, when was my last post? I can't remember, sometime last week...

What's happened since then? I shall summarise:

1) An Ordinary Eid

2) Atticus's Adventure & A Family Reunion

3) Some Other Stuff

4) When I've Had a Bad Day

5) Exam #2

So, since there's SO MUCH to tell you, I'm going to break the posts down. Here we go (Yes, prettyboy, just for you). Let the over-load begin.

Study-mode Activated

When you realise that you have 474 pages (286 of which are fine print) to study and you basically have only 2.5 days in which to do it in, you realise, you're quite frankly, fucked.

Nope, I'm not yet stressed. I'm awesome. It's doable.
Posts will be infrequent and sporadic till next Thursday.
I'm running on 6 hours of sleep for the past 60 hours by the way.

Burn the midnight oil, bring out the Redbull, bring on hermitville; my room = the beginning and end of my world for a while - of course, Eid and a family reunion are going down this weekend...karma trying to get back at me for something or the other (possibly for getting snarky with Ordinary Guy) by breaking my rhythm - but hey, adapt to survive and all that.

Miss me World. Peace out.
P.s I just realised that I've outdone myself on the pun front today - it takes the cake for the post with the most number of sexual innuendos (obviously all unconscious. Pssht). 

Nice

Origin: foolish, stupid, senseless.
So really, it's one of the most misused words in the English language. Its been struck out of my personal vocabulary, unless to be used in the manner in which it's meant to. Context is of equal importance as well, so if I use it, pay attention to everything right down to syntax.

I'm not very sure what I'm doing up right now discussing the etymology of a word. I do, however, know that sleep insists on straying very far away - tossing and turning, and then lying there with burning eyes does not constitute being asleep. So I decided to make myself constructive (somewhat).

There's a fuzzy kind of happiness going on inside me too, despite my tired state. It's a foreign feeling, though quite pleasant I have to say.

Sleepwell World & lovely people of Planet Pinus. I'm going to lie here and listen to the wind whistle through the trees to the underlying beat of my beloved ocean on the shoreline - between now and 4am is the best time to savour that (I would know).

A nice, fuzzy kind of happiness.
Go figure.

Grandmothers always know best

I remember, when I was younger, about once a year, my grandmother used to force me to take a dose of the disgusting Castor Oil. It really was an abomination of nature if you asked me. It was supposed to be odourless and tasteless, but let me tell you - it was down right nauseating. If I even suspected that it was going to be a Castor Oil day, I'd be out of that house like a cat with a dog on its tail. Which is why, I suppose, they never told me - in fact, my grandmother had perfected the art of duping me so well, that I never even knew I was in any danger till the actual moment that I entered the kitchen and saw the sliced oranges on the kitchen counter, with my grandfather standing by to grab me should I make a dash for it (which was, every time). He would hold my hands to my side with one hand in a clinch, and use the other to restrain all of my struggling little person (I was quite an explosive kid), while my grandmother would hold the spoon outside of my tightly shut mouth ordering me to, "Open!" and of course, I would refuse. She would shove it at my lips and the slimy liquid would give me shivers and then I'd realise that having the abhorrent  stench of it stuck there was much, much worse and my grandmother would shove the spoon in at the first opportunity she got when I tried to inhale fresh air. And then I'd try to spit it back out, and she'd, quick as a flash (I kid you not), shove a slice of fresh orange into my mouth and order me to clamp down on it. "Swallow! Swallow I say! Don't spit it back out! I'll whack you!" And she'd stand there, brandishing a wooden spoon at me to make sure I understood the dire threat I was under should I refuse; she never did use that wooden spoon though, and I soon learnt that it was worse having the disgusting thing in your mouth than it was to force it down your throat (which, probably in an act of self-preservation, decided to close down temporarily). It would take an entire orange to wash away the diabolical taste, and even afterwards, I'd double over, retching and trying to vomit over the sink - by this time though, it was long settled deep inside my little person, and all I could do was wait miserably for it to do its work.

It was an annual trauma - Castor Oil day. And the only flip side, was that my Grandmother, who already catered to my every whim and fancy, was extra attentive; even letting me hog the television set all day, and I was allowed to be as demanding as I pleased.

The thing is though, despite the fact that I hated it (loathed it), I was a healthy child - I never got sick. And I suspect, it may have had quite a bit to do with that detestable fluid. So I can tell you with absolute certainty, that my one-day-future-children will definitely have to endure an annual episode too.

TNT for the sweet tooth.

I've made Malva pudding numerous times and I've been told that I make it sumptuously. The strange part is though, I've never eaten my own Malva pudding. Till last night.
And let me tell you something World...I make a kick-ass Malva pudding! There is nothing quite like hot pudding, soaked in sauce, with steam escaping in whisps as soon as your spoon slices through - no resistance mind you - and then the explosion of taste that hits you when you spoon it in, with a bit of ice cream, melting with the heat of the pudding. Hot and cold all in one go, syrupy sweet and deliciously soft...it's like a barrel of delicious self-combusted in your mouth.
Oh happy days, the search is over, I've found my favourite dessert.

Life Lesson #Absoloodle

My cousin Su and I have a unique rapport, which quite frankly, we don't understand ourselves. It's not to be questioned, however, and the fact is that I'm glad we both came out of our corners when we did and decided to get to know each other. He's rather arbitrary, but genius and I wouldn't have him any other way. Among our many private humours, we have this inside joke about Cacti (if I had to explain it, it would no longer be our inside joke), so you'll just have to be content with knowing it originated from one of the ASDF movies - its variations and uses, however, are limitless and inexplicable.

The thing is though, I do have much respect for the Cactus. If there were a plant that ever were to represent everything man should be, it would be the Cactus, for, "...It has humility but it is not submissive. It grows where no other plant will grow. It does not complain when the sun bakes its back, or the wind tears it from the cliff or drowns it in the dry sand of the desert or when it is thirsty. When the rains come it stores water for the hard times to come. In good times and in bad it will still flower. It protects itself against danger, but it harms no other plant. It adapts perfectly to almost any environment. It has patience and enjoys solitude..." (Doc, The Power of One).

The more I think about it, the more it begins to mean more to me than a bit of a laugh here and there. The Cactus, my dear, lovely people of Planet Pinus, is quite a remarkable organism.

While we're on the topic of plants, I'd like to share two more of my favourite quotes. Many of you (especially those learners who I taught in grade eleven at the beginning of this year) know how much I love Ben Johnson's poem, "The Noble Nature". Well, I'd like to share some of it, which came to mind when I read the quote that follows it, whilst reading The Power of One today:

A lilly of a day
Is fairer far in May,
Although it fall and die that night -
it was the plant and flower of Light.
In small proportions we just beauties see;
And in short measures life may perfect be.

And to conclude, here's a little bit of wisdom for us all, "It is better just to get on with the business of living and minding your own business and maybe, if God likes the way you do things, he may just let you flower for a day or a night." (Doc, The Power of One).

I don't say this often enough either, but I think I should, since I'm preaching about human disposition and the business of living...Thank you Ordinary Guy, for the multitude of short measures in which life has perfect been.

It's a girl thing (I think)

It's amazing how you can go from feeling just dandy one minute, to feeling so sick the next.
Peanut butter discoveries had me floating on cloud nine this morning, and happy hormones really had me all maxed out...up until about an hour ago.
The worst part about this kind of 'sick' is...you're not really sick. You just feel as if there's something not quite right about your body. For instance, right now, I feel fat - yet we all know, that's the furthest to what I actually am. And heavy. And not so very awesome or attractive. And then, there's this ear ache that came out of nowhere and won't go away. And then just when I began to fall asleep - my phone buzzed (hey Prettyboy, yes you, you know who you are). Let me tell you, my phone can buzz - it's like a ring tone all on its own. What's the point of turning it on 'silent' with a buzz like that?
I dislike this feeling of sick-that's-not-quite-sick.
Sometimes, like now, I really wish I'd been born a guy. Then I wouldn't worry about feeling bloated or unattractive or five times my normal size when I'm clearly not. Guys, have it awesome.
I think I'm being a big baby now, which means it's time for me to stop posting.
Goodnight. I'm going to sleep off my terrible feeling of bloated crabbyness. In the middle of the afternoon. Just coz I can.

Pea....nut..BUTTER! and some other arb stuff.

I found a type of peanut butter that I actually like! I like it so much, that I walk around with a spoonful of it, demolishing it as I go about my business! It's called "Pot O' Gold", and let me tell you something, it sure is! It's not too dry and it's not tasteless muck with a hint of peanut. Oh no. This stuff is the real deal my friends.

Also, I want to start playing chess again. I haven't played a game in years, and I'm probably rusty and any player worth half his salt would probably make mince meat of me within minutes - but hey, get back on the horse and all that.

Today is Thursday and the sun is shining - oh happy days! Do you know that I drank two espresso's last night and it didn't keep me up a single minute longer than it took for Ordinary Guy to fall asleep talking incoherently over the phone? Yeah. My body seems immune to caffeine. Good or bad? Still trying to figure it out; not like I need to ever stay up though, so I suppose it's brilliant in its own way - who needs a caffeine kick when Insomnia is their sidekick.

I should be studying, I really should. I can't seem to get to it though. I keep staring at my textbooks and the creepy oblong cartoon people on the cover and then deciding, "eh, I'll do it later". But later never comes. This always happens to me. Last week I summarised a whole section of notes in a matter of like 3 days, and this week, I can't even stand the sight of it. What do I do now? Well, what I always do. Wait till 3 days before the exam and then overdose on redbull. Don't freak out World. I shall be fine. It's a tried and tested method - I'm not stressing so you shouldn't too (Yes, Siv, I know you're freaking out on my behalf).

Anyway lovely people of planet pinus, I'm off to do some exercise. It's a beautiful morning and since I seem to be doing absolutely nothing constructive with the obscene amount of free time on my hands, I may as well get some happy hormones pumping.

Have a sunshine flavoured day!

First with the head, then with the heart

I'm being good tonight World. Ordinary Guy is studying and I'm not distracting him. I'm controlling myself! How proud of me are you? I'm pretty proud of myself right now.
Re-reading The Power of One, oh dear, darling Bob...Thank You! It's one of those books, that no matter how many times I read it, I will always laugh at the same parts, feel like crying at the same moments, grow angry at the same atrocities and hop up and down and cheer at the same triumphs. A book for the ages.
In fact, I'm sitting with a highlighter and marking all my favourite lines at the request of the amazing Bob. Let me get back to it. Peekay has just decided to become the next welterweight champion of the world! He's about to meet Doc...life's about to truly begin.

The Greater Fool

a) Do you remember on Friday I was waiting to be struck by lightning for crossing lines I wasn't yet sure I had any business crossing? Well, last night, we had the mother of all storms. I lay huddled in the dark in bed, watching the lightning flicker through my bedroom curtains to the cacophony of thunder. And I couldn't help but wonder whether it was God showing me just how pissed off He was at me, or mere coincidence. I'm going to go with the latter, I'm pretty sure God has bigger fish to fry.

b) I was driving in town early this morning and I saw a street carpeted with purple flowers. It reminded me of Grahamstown...and everything I hadn't been. It was a rather pretty picture, though nowhere near as picturesque as I remember the Rhodes University Campus street to be. I took this picture, by the way, when I visited the campus in 2011 - I was scouting, because that's where my dreams had always been stored. It was my foot in the door to a career in Journalism. It never happened though, despite the fact that they held my place for a year - it was back during the time when the parents and I not only didn't see eye-to-eye, we weren't even sure if we were both part of the same species. This picture was taken, in a stroke of wierd coincidence, right outside Ordinary Guy's dorm. I didn't even know him back when I snapped it.

Grahamstown, Rhodes University Campus, Jan 2011

Most people my age wonder how I can stomach all the serious series like Newsroom, The West Wing and the like; how I can follow news to intensely and get so worked up over issues that have no direct impact on my life whatsoever...quite simply, it's because that's what I wanted to do with my life. Watching the Newsroom's season finale, I couldn't help but think, "that's what I'm supposed to be doing." Sometimes (like this morning), I can't help but think of the things I wanted to do with my life, the person I wanted to be...and all the opportunities that came my way, and just kept on moving past. It makes me sad - like I have unfinished business with myself - at the same time though, if I'd done all the things I'd dreamt of doing and been all the things I thought I would be, I wouldn't be the person who I am now. And quite frankly, that person, is pretty darn awesome.

Still though, I don't think I'm done with my dreams yet. They haven't spun out the way I always imagined they would, despite my sticking to my end of my bargain with karma, but then again, I suppose that's just the way life is.

People who consider themselves victims of their circumstances will always remain victims unless they develop a greater vision for their lives ~ Stedman Graham

Fortune Cookie says: every time you get thrown off the horse, you've got to get up, dust yourself down and get back on (and when it comes to me, we know that's not just a metaphor).

c) Do you know who the greater fool is? "The greater fool, is someone with the perfect blend of self-delusion and ego to think that he can succeed where others have failed." (Newsroom, Episode 10, Season 1 Finale). 

 History was lived and made and written by greater fools. There is no shame in being the greater fool. In fact, everyone should aspire towards it.

La Petite Mort...

Imagine you're on a roller coaster. It starts off slow and easy, and you're pretty chilled. Then, you begin to climb the incline, and you feel this wierd sensation building in your gut - it's almost like butterflies, but lighter. And the higher you climb, the more the feeling escalates, and before you know it, your abdomen is clenching itself tight in anticipation. Your breathing gets shorter, your heartbeats get faster, and because you're almost at the top, you know there's no going back - you're too far gone. You reach the peak and your throat dries up. Your eyes close. No time to think; you're catapulted over the precipice. And then you're falling - so fast that you're not sure if your body can handle it. Your heart rate spikes, your breathing stops, your voice gets stuck somewhere in your throat. It feels like an explosion of hot lava inside you, and it's rushing through your veins. Suddenly, everything is burning: it's ice and fire all in one go, and you can't move - your muscles convulse and freeze. Blank, your mind is blank. It's almost like a sensory overload, your systems crash and it feels like the waves as they tumble onto the shore. And then you feel the speed dwindle, your heartbeats slow down, you can breath easy as you get closer to the ground. The ride comes to a stop, a gentle break at the end, but you just sit there, still trying to comprehend. Your limbs feel like molten toffee, you really don't want to move. You just want to sit there and savour this strange mood. And even though you're tired, you're all warm and fuzzy inside. You see, they kinda have that effect, these roller coaster rides...

If you cut me I suppose I would bleed, the colour of the evening stars

Ordinary Guy is probably going to shoot me soon - for posting more than he can keep up with (in my defence, you can't control genius).

I didn't go to the beach today, though I did visit the farm this morning with Dad. We went to pick our sheep for Eid (which is in two weeks time). My brother is the one who's supposed to take up the mantle of Eid responsibilities, but like with everything else, I end up picking up the slack. Not that I'm complaining (I always said that I should have been their first son); I'm glad we get to learn how to do these things; I'm glad it's a family tradition to do it ourselves and not parcel it out to the nearest farm like most of the people I know - it breeds experience; it breeds a sense of family; it breeds a personal history.

Fortune Cookie Says: Sometimes in their attempt to give children what they did not have, parents forget to give children what they did have.

Anyway, I saw a bull which was so massive, even sitting down, it was larger than any of the others in the pen; it was, quite literally, larger than Bob's fly away Atos. If that thing decided to charge me, I probably would have found the strength in a heartbeat to jump the fence without preamble! Today was actually kind of fun...and then a sheep sat on my leg. I learnt, that there is no reasoning with a sheep.

And, I am absolutely, phenomenally lucky to be living in such a beautiful part of the world. I couldn't help but gloat to myself on my afternoon jog today: it was a combination of the lush, green forest on my right and the sugar cane plantations on my left; the gust of fresh, sea air rushing into my lungs and the perfectly blue sky overhead; the road, being swallowed up by my trainers and the feeling of weightless that crept into my legs after the first two km's.

Then I reached the point where my body said to me, "You're finished, time to slow down," but my mind whispered, "Just a little further." And just a little further, turned into just a little further...and further...and further. Till before I knew it, I'd completed my goal of 8km's.

The mind is a powerful ally, if only you listen to it.

Today, I thank You God, for: my healthy and supple body; for my elastic mind; for my paradoxically fragile and tenacious heart. 

Sleep be gets sense

Good morning lovely lovely people of Planet Pinus (and world!) the sun is out today, and I managed to get in 4hours of sleep (albeit after sun rise - but, that's beside the point). Hence, my candy-coloured-retard-flavoured mood is back...and along with it some sensibilities.

My advice for guys still stands, but here's a little something for the girls:

1. Sometimes, forget the one time he doesn't make you feel special and think about the eleven hundred other times when he has.

I didn't get my run in yet, though I shall sometime this afternoon - after I visit the farm to pick our sheep and after I go to the beach! It's Sunday, and for some reason I feel like nothing can possibly go wrong today...fingers crossed I didn't just jinx good karma.

Fortune Cookie says: A day will never be any more than what you make of it! 

And as Muhammad Ali said, "Don't count the days, make the days count."

Adios beautiful people, I'm off to make my day!

That's RetardLove folks

Today (or now it's yesterday I suppose) I've eaten:

1. a little tub of granadilla flavoured smooth yoghurt 
2. a fish cake (I don't even like fish)
3. potato wedges
4. salad
5. six cream buns
6. butter chicken (delivered especially for me by Mehnaaz!)
7. garlic bread
8. a packet of popcorn

Which, is what I'd usually take 4days of the week to consume. I'm not sure what brought on this appetite influx, but I sure am thankful tomorrow (or rather today)'s morning run entails 8km's of burn out. 

Speaking of burn outs - I've had 4 hours of sleep in the past 48hours. I'm rather very tired, yet again though, my brain refuses to give me peace and quiet. I've been watching West Wing this evening, and reading - reading what? The Power of One! Do you remember that I mentioned in a post of a few days ago, how my copy of that beloved, brilliant novel can't be found and I urged anybody who borrowed it to please return it as soon as they could, or to at the very least, let me know they have it...well, nobody came forward. To tell you the truth, I wasn't holding my breath that anyone would either. The thing is though, today Bob rocked up here in the afternoon, with a lovely little surprise: a brand new copy of the novel! The darling child bought me a new book, because she read about how I so missed my one. It's the cherry on top of the hundreds of other amazing things she's ever done for me, and I am in awe of what she brings to the meaning of True Friendship. The world needs more Bobs. 

On a different note, here's some advice for the guys:

1. After you spend an intense afternoon with your girl - phone her and tell her she's amazing, or text her - bloody well email her at the very least.
2. Buy her a chocolate every now and then just for the heck of it, or candy, or flowers, or pick a flower - pick a freaking leaf!
3. Open doors, pull out chairs...she'll appreciate that no matter how independent she is.
4. And whatever you do, don't ever (ever) address her in a condescending manner around other people - especially friends. 

And now, back to a little bit of West Wing and a little bit of Peekay (Power of One). Absoloodle. And hopefully, maybe, sleep before the sun rises. Though I'm not holding my breath for that either. 

Paradox, Dash is thy name.

I'm so tired, I feel like I ran 10 km's. I fell asleep earlier and woke up with a jolt after an hour, and now sleep insists on evading me.

You know we all have those lines we said we'd never cross? Until the day you end up stepping right up on it unwittingly and you're not struck by lighting or anything for even daring to, and instead it feels completely cosmicly right? So then you're left wondering what would happen if you did cross it...and then you find yourself guiltily scanning the skies for that flash of lightning to let you know you're doomed for even considering it. Except you don't see anything but clear grey.

I love my words, everyone knows that. And I've been babbling incessantly since I first figured out I had a voice box...but you know what? I've never before lost all capable thought processes or forgotten how to use the English language...and I can tell you too, it's a different kind of wonderful. There's much to be said for moments that stun you into silence.

I suppose a West Wing marathon is in order now. I may as well use my sleeplessness for the greater good of getting through the five more seasons I've yet to complete. Good night lovely people of Planet Pinus, enjoy a night of sleep for me as well - I shall rest vicariously through you.

Say hello to our little friend,

Fred! He's our latest curiosity. We're not yet sure what species he is exactly, but we're going to go with American Eel for the time being. He's Ordinary Guy's mini aquarium's latest addition - though considering I did name him, I'm quite fond of the slimy little guy already...even though I haven't yet been up close and personal with him.

Considering that I didn't take Ordinary Guy seriously when a few days ago he was talking about getting a snake...the next time he suggests something of the nature, I'll remember to be on alert (especially if it's something along the lines of crocodile or giant tarantula).

Maybe. Maybe Not.

Ordinary Guy made a comment about how he was biased towards his mothers cooking, and I replied, "Most people are...well, except me. I'm biased towards my Nani's." And then I realised, I'm not. I can't be, because my Grandmother isn't around any more.

For the past few days the monthly anniversary of her death has been floating about my head like a long forgotten dream...and I keep shoving it away, in the hope that maybe, it would delay itself. It hasn't. At 6pm tomorrow evening, it will just be beginning. All over again.

I often wonder why in the world He chose me that night. I wonder, would I feel any better or any worse had I not been the one. The truth is, I don't know, and I'll never know. What I do know, is that a part of me is grateful for it and a part of me wishes I was never there - that part of me still wonders, might the outcome have been any different had it been someone else...

Oh, there goes gravity

You know, I scheme I probably got in about 2.5hours of sleep last night...and I feel absolutely brilliant. I'm not sure if it's going to catch up with me later, and I'm not sure if this feeling is due to my mid-morning jog, but either way...I feel brilliant. I think, generally, the less sleep I have, the better I feel. If that makes any sense at all (though it probably doesn't).

Anyway, time to stretch. And then shower. And then maybe get some studying in (I did manage some last night - it was quite a productive evening, after a rather unproductive day). West Wing inevitably fits into my plans, and so does the next episode of Newsroom (thank goodness Dex hasn't given me Suits Season 2 yet, or I'd get NOTHING done at all between all three).

The sun was out this morning on my run...and now it's disappeared. Downer much. I sense a good day ahead nonetheless! (Optimism is the key to everything! Including pi).

Oh, and one more thing. Don't forget to thank God: for everything; for something; for anything. It takes you a few minutes, it constitutes prayer, it's good for the soul...and if you don't believe in God, then thank the fates. Nothing happens for nothing in this world...don't wait till you've lost what you have, before you realise that it was something worth keeping (a philosophy as a result of 3.30am meditation)...today, I'm thankful for (extra)Ordinary Guy.

P.s. is it normal that Eminem's "Lose Yourself" is stuck in my head? It's like a track on replay, and it refuses to go away. 

Black Cat

I decided against sending myself flowers this week - I sent them instead to the old lady up the road, who makes the most delicious carrot cake ever; who remembers my name even though she has Alzheimers; who is sweeter than sugar. I can always get my flowers next month, or the month after...or, whenever. In any case, I have a feeling, that the feeling of giving is better than the feeling of receiving - at least, in this instance.

I've been trying to get myself into the groove of studying - nothing gives. Distractions keep popping up everywhere: Timothy, coffee, the West Wing, my desk calendar, the rain...and then, there's the daydreaming. Unicorns; pi; little evil blue pixies...

You know what I was just thinking about? Peanut butter. I don't like it. I think it's because it was my staple lunch-meal in pre-school. It's too dry. It sticks to the pallet. It tastes like sandpaper coated in...well, peanut-flavoured-paste. That's exactly it. Not a fan of the peanut butter.

Or the peanut gallery for that matter.

This whole not-being-able-to-study business is not a good sign. Maybe, I need a lucky rabbits foot or something? Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not the superstitious type. What I need, is chocolate (or maybe, I just want that, really badly). Does that clarification make a difference? 

Lost and Found

I'm determined to finish off West Wing before exams start. I stopped my marathon of it around the same time that I met Ordinary Guy - so I'm not sure if my attempted completion should worry me or not.
In either case, I've missed it.

And I've realised that another one of my books is missing: The Power of One, by Bryce Courtenay - yet another of my favourites. A South African classic.

Speaking of books - that's one gift you can never go wrong with when it comes to me. Even my dad knows that: when in doubt, buy Dash a book (or in his case, like 10 or 15 books - like when he went to Australia, that's basically all he bought me...that and tons of chocolate).

A few of my favourite The Power of One quotes:

"First with the head, then with the heart."

"...besides love, independence of thought is the greatest gift an adult can give a child."

"To have a brain is not a sin, but to have a brain and not use it, that, is a sin."

"Any ideology that attacks the thing that least threatens it, is an ideology that will not outlive its own generation."

"It was all very complicated, beautiful ladies with skin like honey who were not as good as us and black men who were white men underneath and were as good as us. The world was a complicated place where people were concerned."

"Intelligence is a harder gift. For this you must work, you must practice it, challenge it, and maybe towards the end of your life you will master it. Cleverness is the shadow, whereas intelligence is the substance."

"Pride is holding your head up when everyone around you has theirs bowed. Courage is what makes you do it."

"Always listen to yourself...It is better to be wrong than simply to follow convention."

"Absoloodle not." 

To understand that last one, you'd have to read the book. It's loss truly does make me sad. If anyone has it, if I lent it to anybody, if anybody's borrowed it...please notify me as soon as you possibly can. I would highly appreciate it. I do so love that book...

Saturday Morning Face-Palm

What usually takes me 20 minutes to complete, takes the combined efforts of both my father and brother 45 minutes. This isn't even an exaggeration - you'd think they'd be more competent at washing a car than I would! I'm not sure whether to laugh at them, help them out or pat my self on the back. I'm more inclined towards the first and the latter. I deserve a break.

Last night was the first time in my life I actually snuck back into the house past curfew. Thank goodness the rents were knocked out too, because I'm not sure I would have been able to hold a coherent conversation without giggling every few minutes. I set the alarm (with help from the brothership), and slipped into my room  and then just lay on my bed wondering if changing was worth the effort required to actually move. I did eventually and got into bed and then badgered Ordinary Guy - who was fast asleep and didn't hear his phone ringing, or did and ignored it (I don't blame him in any case - it was kind of super freaking late by his standards). And then, I sent him one of those texts I never would have in my right frame of mind. I called Dexter afterwards and apologised (I think) for sporadically disturbing his studying all evening - he's now moved up the ranks to "quite awesome friend" considering he was a fantastic sport about it and even shared my horror when halfway through the conversation, I went, "HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THAT ON MY ROOF!?" And there honestly was something, big and black and freaky looking slinking up there. I switched my bed side light on and nearly had a mini heart attack to see the Godzilla of all centipedes doing laps on my ceiling. Dexter's suggestions were none too helpful (sorry Dex), so instead I did the least helpful thing of all and just turned on my a/c to freezing temperature and hid myself under the blanket, hoping for morning to come soon enough. I briefly thought about rehydrating (the ringing in my ears and the wierd feeling in my chest sort of rang a few bells...but then I couldn't be bothered because every part of my body felt like led). I cut the call too before I said something infinitely stupid that I'd regret (forever) and after this post, neither of us will mention it again (ever). I woke up this morning, and thought that maybe I'd imagined the centipede in my wierd-mental-state because I couldn't find it anywhere (it had disappeared), and call me stereotypical, but I'm pretty sure that those things don't have super speed...

Also, I realised my phone had died. And I forgot my charger up the road. So I laced up for my morning jog (I had to make up for yesterday) and walked outside...and somehow got roped into mowing the lawn with my dad. When I finally hit the road, there was this mutt who followed me half way. After my encounter last week with the labs, I was sceptical about it, but the sweet creature just followed along behind me till he eventually got bored. By the time I got home, charger in hand and juiced up my cell, I also realised, with that shoot-me-now-please feeling, that I'd sent Ordinary Guy that regrettable text the night before. The reminder was right there in my sent-box, laughing in my face. 

It's been a busy day, and it's still going to get busier - I have another braai to attend tonight - which will not involve me ending the evening trying and failing miserably to walk in a straight line. Oxygen deprivation does not agree with me - no matter how good it tastes.

So, after my major face-palm inflicted upon myself, by myself...I think I should get off of The Pinus and get to the zillion other things that need to be done. Peace out mother-cluckers. 

Strike 3

I'm getting pretty awesome at this whole cooking business. Spicy rice, chicken strips and veg stir fry today. And, I only injured myself on ONE finger. Boo yeah. I really am growing up huh.

This morning I was watching the first Presidential Debate 2012 (USA). Was it just me, or were both Obama and Romeny beating around the bush? At one point I literally yelled at the television set, "Move on already!" I don't know anybody else my age who follows international politics as closely, and I'm not sure if it's disturbing because it's true or because of the fact that I do.

Fortune Cookie says: I'm going to ask you once, I'm going to ask you twice, I might even ask you three times...but don't expect me to ask again. I won't. That constitutes begging. I don't beg.

I read a quote I really liked today too, "Place your hand over your heart. Feel that? That's called purpose. You're alive for a reason. Don't forget it."

I think, next week, I'm going to send myself some flowers. It will be a lovely surprise.

Peace out world!
SMILE!..."Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed." Yes, I'm in a brad-ass mood.

Life Lesson No.3: If I have to tell you that you're awesome, then, by definition, you're not.
(I need to start copywriting my stuff).

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee

When I was still in school, I based a number of assignments on Muhammad Ali. He always has been, and will continue to be, a source of great inspiration to me. Today, I watched a biography on him, not for the first time, and I found myself sitting in awe and smiling at the sheer awesomeness of this man - as if it were the first time I ever encountered his story. This man wasn't just a great boxer, he was a great thinker too - he had a way with words, which to me at least, is unparalleled - though not many people appreciate that. So, I decided to share my favourite Ali quotes with you Pinus Followers. Maybe, you'll find some enjoyment and inspiration from them to pull you through, like I have.

"It's not bragging if you can back it up."

"Service to others is the rent you pay for your room on earth."

"It's the repetition of affirmations that lead to belief and once that belief becomes a deep conviction, things begin to happen."

"I'm so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark."

"The man who views the word at 50 the same as he did when he was 20 has wasted 30 years of his life."

"It's hard to be humble when you're this great."

"Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they're been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact, it's an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It's a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible, is nothing."

 "If my mind can conceive it, and my heart can believe it - then I can achieve it."

"Don't count the days, make the days count."

"The man with no imagination has no wings."

"Inside of a ring or out, aint nothing wrong with going down. It's staying down that's wrong."

"The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up."

"He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life."

"It's the lack of faith that makes people afraid of meeting challenges, and I believed in myself."

"Often, it isn't the mountains ahead that wear you out, it's the pebble in your shoe."

"I am the greatest. I said that even before I knew I was."

"I figured that if I said it enough I really would convince the world that I really was the greatest."

"We have one life. It will soon pass; what we do for God is all that will last." 

Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

Here's the thing (and I'm not afraid to admit it), I'm a lightweight - I can't do cigarettes (I'll choke and die), and hubbly isn't for me either (it gives me this dry pounding in my head afterwards) - plus, if my reaction to hubbly is anything to go by...I am never trying weed. Ever. (I couldn't even stand straight, and it was an absolute effort to act ordinary around my mother - conversation was dangerous territory).

Oh and I had the wierdest dreams last night - not sure if it's at all related to the above, kinda doubt it - about RetardLove. Even Joel was in the dream, in an even wierder twist of events. I woke up wondering what the hell my mind was up to.

So yeah. That's the end of my days of 'experimentation'. Besides the fact that I get all dazed, I like being fit too much, and those things kinda fuck that up...my lungs must be rejoicing; I know my head most definitely is.

On an aside, I really miss Ordinary Guy.

Okbye! (for now).

True Story!

Do you remember A Perfect Night? It was exactly a month ago, to the day. Today, I unwittingly visited the very same spot and only realised when I was standing there, and everything looked oh so familiar, where I was exactly. And then I remembered what the date was, and thought, "no freaking way!" It seems my internal clock is wired for more than just wierd sleeping hours.

I was nearly bitten by two dogs today. Two vicious black Labrador's rushed out of their yard and scared the bejeebies out of Mehnaz and I. Keeping cool didn't work this time, and the two dogs stalked us mercilessly into a corner, all the while gnashing and threatening to take a chunk out of us. Mehnaz screamed and I tried to shove her behind me, except she undermined my efforts to save her by placing herself between the dogs and me. I will never forget that, ever. Of course, the dogs didn't back down, and I managed to get her out of biting line just as they got ever bolder. "Walk!" I commanded, wrapping one arm around her firmly, keeping myself between her and the angry canines. And all the while, praying silently and fervently to God to just make them back off and not decide to rip a piece out of me. I swear, my heartbeats were going crazy and my legs just really wanted to bolt out of there, especially as I saw the dogs rush at us again from the corner of my eye...but we were saved, literally at the last minute, by a few construction workers on the side of the road. Poor Mehnaz was still shaking even when we were well away from the demented critters and I scheme I would have been too, if I wasn't concentrating so hard on calming my heart rate down and making sure I didn't fall all over myself in an unceremonious heap from sheer relief.

Hopefully, both my mind and body is too tired to keep me up tonight. I seriously doubt it, but one can always live in hope...

P.s. that's true love, by the way, when someone is terrified out of their minds and still foils your plans to save them by trying to protect you, even though they don't really stand much of a chance themselves. 

I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good

If you're part of the same generation as me, you grew up with the Weasley's, Hermione and Potter - you know every single corner of Hogwarts worth knowing, and you know Latin...well, one line at least: "Draco dormiens nunquam titillandus".
I began reading the books around the same age that Harry went to Hogwarts, 11years old; about five years after the first book was released - yet still back before the Harry Potter Phenomenon exploded around the world. And I literally grew up on a staple of Fred & George's practical jokes, Quidditch matches and Harry saving the world from Voldermort approximately every year - for five years. Anyone who's ever visited The Pinus can tell what a fanatic I am, simply by reading the byline at the top.
I was thinking about it today and I realised not many books have ever made me cry (not many things really), but because reading the books and following the lives of the characters from the very beginning really sucks you in, there were many instances throughout the series where I did shed a mournful tear. And then there's the fact that I'm not much into the romance genre, but I realised too, that the whole Harry Potter saga was one of the most amazing love stories of our generation - and it all revolved around Severus Snape and his undying love for someone who couldn't love him back. 
Anyway...my trip down Harry Potter memory lane has brought on the urge to re-read the entire series. The problem is though, that I was the first person at my school to not only own the first two novels but also give the dorky and quite frankly really bad cover-arts the benefit of the doubt, and so my books made the rounds, travelling to unknown homes, and I never saw them again - who knows? Someone, somewhere, could be holding my copy of the Philosophers Stone and discovering untold delights from its pages right now. In which case, I guess, I wouldn't mind at all. Though everyone who knows me, knows how my books are one of my greatest treasures, so thinking about those lost gems does kind of make me somewhat sad.
So, I'd better sign off now. Assignments to submit, things to do, other books to read...and all that.

Mischief managed!

P.s Never tickle a sleeping dragon.

Geeked-up

There is something wrong with me. I am not the jealous type. Everyone who knows me knows this.
The feeling just won't go away though - and I've tried everything: running, stretching, meditating, and even burying myself in poetry dissection (the likes of which I haven't done since Matric). Nothing has worked. It's irrational.

On the plus side, I totally got my nerd on today. Behold, the fruits of my mental gymnastics! Yes, I've been craving a challenge. Still am in fact...it was interesting while it lasted.

Life Lesson #EED102G: today, is Sunday

Finally gave in to my caffeine craving this morning. My body thanks me.

And, nothing really hurts today; definitely a good sign....though my Pectineus is kind of sore, but that's to be expected. Exercise really is good for the soul.

Then, there's that horrible moment when you get your assignment results back, and while you're elated at the ridiculously high mark you've achieved, you can't completely feel awesome about it because someone helped you with it...and that even worse feeling when you check the correct answer to the one question that you did get wrong, and realise that if only you'd gone with your gut instinct and not listened to said person who helped you, you would have gotten it right.

Remind me, never again, to rely on someone else. Not only because it makes me feel indebted to said person, but because I now feel as if I did myself a disservice. I knew that there was a reason why I always relied only on my own mind...because this is what it feels like to sell myself out. Plus, I dislike feeling indebted.

Also, how do I know my brother really is at a loose end? When he comes to me for tutoring. That used to be an option when the only other option was being eaten alive...by a colony of ants. 

"I'm a little tea pot, 

short and stout;

here is my handle, 

here is my spout;

when I get all steamed up, 

hear me shout!

Just tip, me over 

and pour me out."

Now that that's out of the way, time to get my Nerd on. 

Back and forth

I'm very frustrated right now - go to sleep!
My body is exhausted, and yet my mind is refusing to knock out. I can actually feel my everything shouting at me to switch off and let it rest...but nothing gives.
And now, I'm craving coffee. Oh, joy.

Circle me and the needle moves gracefully

Last night there was an armed robbery on our road - about 200 metres away from us. Dexter and I both heard the gunshots in our respective houses and both assumed it was fireworks. "I thought it was Diwali!" was his response when I asked him if he'd heard them too. To my credit, I at least knew that's what it wasn't. On the plus side, nobody died...but my safe little haven doesn't seem so very safe any more. Stop bursting my bubble Reality!

AND Dexter turned traitor today and visited the beach without me. I dragged Dad off for a jog instead. Oh, I've missed my running. It feels absolutely brilliant to be back in the beat. Everything's come alive again!

Although I've retained my flexibility over the years, I haven't completely split in about just as long. I think that's one skill that's too useful to let go of, so I've begun my stretches again. It's easier than I thought it would be: the key, is to relax. Your muscles tense in anticipation of danger, because your mind tells them they're not supposed to go that far - it's all in your head really - so once you relax your mind, your muscles follow and without your mind holding them back....why, you're a bendy-straw! All I needed was to get into the right frame of mind, and everything came back - the amazing thing is, your body still remembers everything it was ever capable of, even if you don't.

Plus (and I'm holding my head in my hands over this one), I woke up in the middle of the night and dialled Ordinary Guy on reflex. I really need to stop doing that! I even left him a voice message in my half-sleep state - and then lay awake berating myself for a half an hour after that for being so stupid. Thank goodness I don't drink, just the thought of drunk-dialling is shudder inducing - who knows what I'll say then.

Also, I really want a dog. A huge ass German shepherd. A bear of a dog (for my next birthday okay).

A year of goodbyes

Another elder in our family has passed away. Bit by bit, a generation is leaving. I should be sad, I should cry, I suppose I should mourn their passing...except how do you mourn something which is a means of salvation for another? Death was their release, and it seems selfish to wish otherwise.

It's ok to miss them - I suppose sadness on the premise that their life held meaning to you is necessary. In other words I guess, don't cry because they died, cry in remembrance of how they lived.

It's really you, YOU left behind, who should be worried...after all, the good always die first.

SPF Thursday

"Because of the self-confidence with which he had spoken, no one could tell whether what he said was very clever or very stupid." (Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace).

I started my annual reading of War and Peace again. Whenever I do, I find something else to wonder at among its yellowed and well-read pages. One of my favourite classics of all time - not for the faint hearted, but certainly a marvel. Every single time.

And, I dragged Dex out of bed this morning. I have the uncanny knack of waking him up - at all hours. I'm actually kind of proud of it (if you've ever tried to wake Dex up, you'd know why). He was moaning and groaning and making all kinds of excuses, but I think it was the persistent 5year old in me who won out in the end. To his credit, I said, "Meet you in 10minutes", and when I turned onto his road, he was already walking towards me. He's quite pleasant company once he's up. Let's see how well he does tomorrow morning. We're trying to make a habit of these morning jogs.

Also, I have a head ache. I'm not sure why - I haven't suffered with one of these in a long, long time. It's hit me right on my forehead. Sort of like a dry pounding that won't go away. Wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that I barely got my fix of Ordinary Guy this week? Withdrawal symptoms. Oh yeah, that must be it.

Having a Boo Radley moment, are we?

Everyone buys jewellery nowadays, and everybody buys chocolates; everybody tries to think up the most elaborate schemes and expensive gifts...but you know what nobody does any more? Nobody sends flowers, and nobody writes letters. It's amazing how no one thinks to do the simple things, when the simple things usually matter the most.

On a different note, did you know that, "some cultures are defined by their relationship to cheese?" I watched Benny and Joon today - I loved it. If you haven't watched it, you really should. It's a classic.

I also drank a glass of milk. I'm pretty sure that my body is going to make me pay for it later, but it was so hot outside, and the thought of a cold glass was just too alluring to ignore. Screw you lactose in tolerance!

No wierd dreams last night, though I fell asleep listening to Ordinary Guys breathing on the other end of the phone. He was so tired that he forgot to hit the 'end call' button before passing out. And I didn't for a long while either, because there was something comforting about it. Eventually I did though, when I felt myself slipping away. Because I'm nice like that.

And I want a ticket to go anywhere...

                                                                                            Be good little birdie,
                                                                                            In your gilded cage;
                                                                                           Don't peck the hand that feeds you.

If I were of a weaker disposition I would have already sold my soul a very long time ago. I would have sold it to the first person who decided that they wanted to marry me, just so that I could get out of my 'perfect' life. It would probably have been a case of trading in one sort of rut for another...choosing the lesser of two evils I suppose.

Except, God didn't create me complacent. He didn't create me of a weaker disposition. Though sometimes, sometimes I wish He had...because rowing against the tide gets so tiring, that you just want to let go, and drift. And then you remember, that's not an option, because you weren't born simple.

Sit pretty little birdie,
In your gilded cage;
Patience will soon well serve you.

Apparently, I'm growing up?

"And I can honestly tell you, I did feel sorry for them - those simple girls who painted pretty fantasy's about their fabulous walk down the isle. I'd smile and nod my head, at their animated explanations, and all the while be thinking, "surely there's more to life than all that".The thing is, now I just envy them. Them and their fairy-tales: and their unwavering Faith that their fairy-castles do exist; and Prince Charming, or Edward Cullen (hey, whatever floats your boat), or the Prince of Persia is, at this very moment, battling forces just to be by their side; that their day will come when they'll ride off into the sunset. I envy them that Faith." (Pinus Post of 2011 - Christina Was Right). 

Which is why, I suppose, I love weddings. They sort of make you believe that it's all possible - that Disney didn't lie - and no matter what happens, you will always have that one day that will always belong to you. And it's true: ALL brides look radiant.

My cousin got married this weekend, and while the build up was utterly hectic - planning for months and months and months, and then the crazy past few days - the wedding itself came and went in a whirlwind of colour. Family weddings are always jovial affairs - it was beautiful, and I had a brilliant time. While the food was delicious and the décor stunning, what makes a wedding for me, is the people. The more the merrier I say - if my dad and I have anything to do with it, my wedding will either be a braai on the beach or in a tent where hundreds and hundreds of people can sit - food served on paper plates, drinks in styrofoam cups and I'll be wearing my jeans and sneakers thank you very much - so long as the food is tasty and in seemingly endless supply, I doubt anybody will truly care about everything else. Besides, a swanky wedding is an added extra; a beautiful marriage is what's really important. I'd rather have a simple wedding with many, than an ostentatious one with a few...but that's just me. And that's still far, far (far!) away. 

In other news! My immune system finally got fed up of holding the fort. I fell sick this weekend - I think my body couldn't handle the stress of stupid assignments, wedding business and having to look like an actual female. In fact, so many people were stunned by my transformation from an alien in jeans and my favourite pair of ratty sneakers to a girl in a dress and heels, that some didn't even recognise me. I overheard an old aunt telling another, "Do you know who that is? That's Farhana's daughter! Dash!" I wanted to laugh. I think a lot of people still assumed I was like, twelve or something - probably because I usually look that way. My grandmother has always been admired for her exceptional fashion sense and elizabeth-taylor-ish-filmstar-beauty, and my mother has always been put together: beautiful in youth and elegant with age. I, on the other hand, have always been the awkward dust up, fly-by niece - the cute one, with the bubbly personality - and that's where it ended. I suppose that's one of the reasons why I actually bothered being more this time around - to prove that I could. And there's a certain satisfaction in beating the odds and exceeding expectations...banged up immune system and all. Actually, I think that's what made being sick all the more bearable. And then of course, there was The Dark Knight Rises: I got up this morning, sorted myself out, dosed up on medication and pulled myself out of the house to go and watch a movie. You can never go wrong with Batman!

Also, I went shopping (yes, you read right. It's a weekend of firsts). I'm not sure if it can count as shopping though, I was window shopping (kind of aimlessly really, trying to burn off some of the pizza I ate - I ate a whole pizza...by myself) and saw a pair of heels that I had the urge to try on (considering that I don't have such urges very often, I thought I'd listen to my gut). And then decided that since I was trying the whole, 'be a girl' thing out, I might as well do it properly...and bought them on the premise that they looked lovely on my legs. It's still not my favourite activity in the world...but you know how I love all things beautiful, and I don't spoil myself very often, so it was a pleasant feeling to see something that I really liked and then actually be able to own it, which is something else that doesn't happen very often - of course, there goes the last of my cash for the month. Totally worth it.

I feel dizzy now, so I think I should call it a night. Timothy's screen is spinning out of control, and I'm pretty sure that this time it isn't his fault. My 'get on with it' motto served me well this weekend, but I think sick has taken its toll on my body; I should rest up now so that my little white soldiers can regroup and kick this stupid bug out of my system. Goodnight World! Oh, and don't forget...

My Trusty Pinus

Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! There's only one person I want to talk to right now, and that one person is probably somewhere far, far away in dreamland. Plus, I'm not so sure that one person would want to talk to me even if they weren't.

I'm so tired, I feel like my body is a bag of sand. I haven't eaten anything all day either (save two little samoosa's at 10pm) - I just realised this now. Oh, and I drank a Red Bull around 10am - that kept me going for most of the day. My sinuses are beginning to make themselves known again (and there I was just getting used to forgetting they existed - darn you, Spring!). My hands are protesting and my back hurts and my head feels like it's going to explode; my throat feels as if someone took sandpaper and scrubbed it down and my eyes want to close, but my mind is refusing to oblige and shut down. 

Sleep well World, enjoy a night of slumber for me as well. I might as well try and get some assignments done while I'm up and about (under duress). Adios till the morrow. 

Smile & Wave

23:30 - 00:10 - 01:15 - 02:25 - 03:34 - 04:30 - 04:59 - 05:10

Those are the times at which my sleep broke last night - and I have nobody to blame but myself. I was growing too complacent you see; too content in the feeling of safe. My past crept up to remind me that it was still there, and that I couldn't erase it...I could forget for a while, but I couldn't make it disappear, no matter how much I wanted it to. And it's always the same memories - my personal film strip of revulsion. It's one of the worst feelings ever you know, to wake up in the darkness, with your panic wrapped around you and have nobody around to reassure you that it was just a dream - because wake up enough times like that, and you begin to almost believe that it's real.

I suppose we all have our demons huh. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and all that. Just don't be offended World, if I choose not to take your calls or reply to your texts today - it's nothing personal.

I sort of feel sick coming on as well, which means damage control is in order...I honestly hope that I didn't pass it on to Ordinary Guy, I scheme that's the last thing he needs right now.

Happy Thursday! (Just smile and wave guys, smile and wave) - it's a brand new day! 

I've come to like Tuesdays

Yes, I do know it's Wednesday.

I hear it's international book week! There's a status-tag going around Facebook where you grab the nearest book to you, turn to the page 52 and post the 5th sentence, without mentioning the title of the book. I thought I'd do that on The Pinus, seeing as how much I love my books...(If you have no idea, then hit the link --> The Book is Irreplaceable). Here's my excerpt - I bet nobody except maybe my Mentor can guess which book it's from!

"The war sucked us in like quicksand, Alok and Ryan got really into 'who is going to win this' kind of crap; I mean, you stop doing that when you are twelve I think (Superman or Batman?), but there was no stopping them."

And, even onions don't make me cry! I swear, I almost threw a hissy fit at myself (if that were ever my style I totally would have). I mean, come on tear ducts, give me a break won't you? Every time I go to a funeral I look like a hard hearted bitch next to everyone else weeping around me. I ran out of onions and still couldn't find a single tear.

Also, I feel like a bendy-straw today. Yes, that's right, bendy-straw. There's no other description - it's sort of like my muscles are all made of elastic. It's not an altogether unpleasant feeling at all, oh no, actually, I scheme I could get quite used to this (which could be problematic on a few different levels). 

The Lion, The Witch and The Mattress.

Ordinary Guy put the idea of Cinnabon into my head last night, and now I can't get the craving out of my system. Not cool.

On a happier note: The sun is out today! The sun is out today! Summer is on the way!
I would call it beach weather, except it's really windy - I wouldn't mind, though I know a lot of people would. Spring is actually my least favourite month for that precise reason - and because of all the pollen floating about (my sinuses go into hyper drive).

And, my mattresses are turning into the Narnia of forgotten objects - hairpins, bands, teddy bears and even lip-balm (and there I thought the evil pixies were at my stuff again) - just some of the things I found wedged between my beds. At first I was mind boggled, wondering how they all got there (yes, the pixies crossed my mind) and then I found a scrap of black material - and the penny dropped (that's one story I'm keeping to myself).

Where did the weekend go?

1) I feel redundant right now. Irrelevant. Inconsequential. Kind of useless really.
2) Sleep-texting someone, is just as bad as drunk-dialling them - even worse, because you have a tangible reminder of your patheticness.
3) Belly dancing is all the work out your body needs!
4) Never attend a bridal shower where both you and your mother are invited as guests.
5) Cousins are the perfect mix of friends and family.
6) Stay away from poisonous girls - they'll smile at your face and sink their fangs into your back.
7) Reminder: when making Creme Caramel, the sauce goes in FIRST - plus, I'm not so bad at this kitchen business (if only I could eliminate the bodily harm).
8) Oh. I am tired.