Geeked-up

There is something wrong with me. I am not the jealous type. Everyone who knows me knows this.
The feeling just won't go away though - and I've tried everything: running, stretching, meditating, and even burying myself in poetry dissection (the likes of which I haven't done since Matric). Nothing has worked. It's irrational.

On the plus side, I totally got my nerd on today. Behold, the fruits of my mental gymnastics! Yes, I've been craving a challenge. Still am in fact...it was interesting while it lasted.

Life Lesson #EED102G: today, is Sunday

Finally gave in to my caffeine craving this morning. My body thanks me.

And, nothing really hurts today; definitely a good sign....though my Pectineus is kind of sore, but that's to be expected. Exercise really is good for the soul.

Then, there's that horrible moment when you get your assignment results back, and while you're elated at the ridiculously high mark you've achieved, you can't completely feel awesome about it because someone helped you with it...and that even worse feeling when you check the correct answer to the one question that you did get wrong, and realise that if only you'd gone with your gut instinct and not listened to said person who helped you, you would have gotten it right.

Remind me, never again, to rely on someone else. Not only because it makes me feel indebted to said person, but because I now feel as if I did myself a disservice. I knew that there was a reason why I always relied only on my own mind...because this is what it feels like to sell myself out. Plus, I dislike feeling indebted.

Also, how do I know my brother really is at a loose end? When he comes to me for tutoring. That used to be an option when the only other option was being eaten alive...by a colony of ants. 

"I'm a little tea pot, 

short and stout;

here is my handle, 

here is my spout;

when I get all steamed up, 

hear me shout!

Just tip, me over 

and pour me out."

Now that that's out of the way, time to get my Nerd on. 

Back and forth

I'm very frustrated right now - go to sleep!
My body is exhausted, and yet my mind is refusing to knock out. I can actually feel my everything shouting at me to switch off and let it rest...but nothing gives.
And now, I'm craving coffee. Oh, joy.

Circle me and the needle moves gracefully

Last night there was an armed robbery on our road - about 200 metres away from us. Dexter and I both heard the gunshots in our respective houses and both assumed it was fireworks. "I thought it was Diwali!" was his response when I asked him if he'd heard them too. To my credit, I at least knew that's what it wasn't. On the plus side, nobody died...but my safe little haven doesn't seem so very safe any more. Stop bursting my bubble Reality!

AND Dexter turned traitor today and visited the beach without me. I dragged Dad off for a jog instead. Oh, I've missed my running. It feels absolutely brilliant to be back in the beat. Everything's come alive again!

Although I've retained my flexibility over the years, I haven't completely split in about just as long. I think that's one skill that's too useful to let go of, so I've begun my stretches again. It's easier than I thought it would be: the key, is to relax. Your muscles tense in anticipation of danger, because your mind tells them they're not supposed to go that far - it's all in your head really - so once you relax your mind, your muscles follow and without your mind holding them back....why, you're a bendy-straw! All I needed was to get into the right frame of mind, and everything came back - the amazing thing is, your body still remembers everything it was ever capable of, even if you don't.

Plus (and I'm holding my head in my hands over this one), I woke up in the middle of the night and dialled Ordinary Guy on reflex. I really need to stop doing that! I even left him a voice message in my half-sleep state - and then lay awake berating myself for a half an hour after that for being so stupid. Thank goodness I don't drink, just the thought of drunk-dialling is shudder inducing - who knows what I'll say then.

Also, I really want a dog. A huge ass German shepherd. A bear of a dog (for my next birthday okay).

A year of goodbyes

Another elder in our family has passed away. Bit by bit, a generation is leaving. I should be sad, I should cry, I suppose I should mourn their passing...except how do you mourn something which is a means of salvation for another? Death was their release, and it seems selfish to wish otherwise.

It's ok to miss them - I suppose sadness on the premise that their life held meaning to you is necessary. In other words I guess, don't cry because they died, cry in remembrance of how they lived.

It's really you, YOU left behind, who should be worried...after all, the good always die first.

SPF Thursday

"Because of the self-confidence with which he had spoken, no one could tell whether what he said was very clever or very stupid." (Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace).

I started my annual reading of War and Peace again. Whenever I do, I find something else to wonder at among its yellowed and well-read pages. One of my favourite classics of all time - not for the faint hearted, but certainly a marvel. Every single time.

And, I dragged Dex out of bed this morning. I have the uncanny knack of waking him up - at all hours. I'm actually kind of proud of it (if you've ever tried to wake Dex up, you'd know why). He was moaning and groaning and making all kinds of excuses, but I think it was the persistent 5year old in me who won out in the end. To his credit, I said, "Meet you in 10minutes", and when I turned onto his road, he was already walking towards me. He's quite pleasant company once he's up. Let's see how well he does tomorrow morning. We're trying to make a habit of these morning jogs.

Also, I have a head ache. I'm not sure why - I haven't suffered with one of these in a long, long time. It's hit me right on my forehead. Sort of like a dry pounding that won't go away. Wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that I barely got my fix of Ordinary Guy this week? Withdrawal symptoms. Oh yeah, that must be it.

Having a Boo Radley moment, are we?

Everyone buys jewellery nowadays, and everybody buys chocolates; everybody tries to think up the most elaborate schemes and expensive gifts...but you know what nobody does any more? Nobody sends flowers, and nobody writes letters. It's amazing how no one thinks to do the simple things, when the simple things usually matter the most.

On a different note, did you know that, "some cultures are defined by their relationship to cheese?" I watched Benny and Joon today - I loved it. If you haven't watched it, you really should. It's a classic.

I also drank a glass of milk. I'm pretty sure that my body is going to make me pay for it later, but it was so hot outside, and the thought of a cold glass was just too alluring to ignore. Screw you lactose in tolerance!

No wierd dreams last night, though I fell asleep listening to Ordinary Guys breathing on the other end of the phone. He was so tired that he forgot to hit the 'end call' button before passing out. And I didn't for a long while either, because there was something comforting about it. Eventually I did though, when I felt myself slipping away. Because I'm nice like that.

And I want a ticket to go anywhere...

                                                                                            Be good little birdie,
                                                                                            In your gilded cage;
                                                                                           Don't peck the hand that feeds you.

If I were of a weaker disposition I would have already sold my soul a very long time ago. I would have sold it to the first person who decided that they wanted to marry me, just so that I could get out of my 'perfect' life. It would probably have been a case of trading in one sort of rut for another...choosing the lesser of two evils I suppose.

Except, God didn't create me complacent. He didn't create me of a weaker disposition. Though sometimes, sometimes I wish He had...because rowing against the tide gets so tiring, that you just want to let go, and drift. And then you remember, that's not an option, because you weren't born simple.

Sit pretty little birdie,
In your gilded cage;
Patience will soon well serve you.

Apparently, I'm growing up?

"And I can honestly tell you, I did feel sorry for them - those simple girls who painted pretty fantasy's about their fabulous walk down the isle. I'd smile and nod my head, at their animated explanations, and all the while be thinking, "surely there's more to life than all that".The thing is, now I just envy them. Them and their fairy-tales: and their unwavering Faith that their fairy-castles do exist; and Prince Charming, or Edward Cullen (hey, whatever floats your boat), or the Prince of Persia is, at this very moment, battling forces just to be by their side; that their day will come when they'll ride off into the sunset. I envy them that Faith." (Pinus Post of 2011 - Christina Was Right). 

Which is why, I suppose, I love weddings. They sort of make you believe that it's all possible - that Disney didn't lie - and no matter what happens, you will always have that one day that will always belong to you. And it's true: ALL brides look radiant.

My cousin got married this weekend, and while the build up was utterly hectic - planning for months and months and months, and then the crazy past few days - the wedding itself came and went in a whirlwind of colour. Family weddings are always jovial affairs - it was beautiful, and I had a brilliant time. While the food was delicious and the décor stunning, what makes a wedding for me, is the people. The more the merrier I say - if my dad and I have anything to do with it, my wedding will either be a braai on the beach or in a tent where hundreds and hundreds of people can sit - food served on paper plates, drinks in styrofoam cups and I'll be wearing my jeans and sneakers thank you very much - so long as the food is tasty and in seemingly endless supply, I doubt anybody will truly care about everything else. Besides, a swanky wedding is an added extra; a beautiful marriage is what's really important. I'd rather have a simple wedding with many, than an ostentatious one with a few...but that's just me. And that's still far, far (far!) away. 

In other news! My immune system finally got fed up of holding the fort. I fell sick this weekend - I think my body couldn't handle the stress of stupid assignments, wedding business and having to look like an actual female. In fact, so many people were stunned by my transformation from an alien in jeans and my favourite pair of ratty sneakers to a girl in a dress and heels, that some didn't even recognise me. I overheard an old aunt telling another, "Do you know who that is? That's Farhana's daughter! Dash!" I wanted to laugh. I think a lot of people still assumed I was like, twelve or something - probably because I usually look that way. My grandmother has always been admired for her exceptional fashion sense and elizabeth-taylor-ish-filmstar-beauty, and my mother has always been put together: beautiful in youth and elegant with age. I, on the other hand, have always been the awkward dust up, fly-by niece - the cute one, with the bubbly personality - and that's where it ended. I suppose that's one of the reasons why I actually bothered being more this time around - to prove that I could. And there's a certain satisfaction in beating the odds and exceeding expectations...banged up immune system and all. Actually, I think that's what made being sick all the more bearable. And then of course, there was The Dark Knight Rises: I got up this morning, sorted myself out, dosed up on medication and pulled myself out of the house to go and watch a movie. You can never go wrong with Batman!

Also, I went shopping (yes, you read right. It's a weekend of firsts). I'm not sure if it can count as shopping though, I was window shopping (kind of aimlessly really, trying to burn off some of the pizza I ate - I ate a whole pizza...by myself) and saw a pair of heels that I had the urge to try on (considering that I don't have such urges very often, I thought I'd listen to my gut). And then decided that since I was trying the whole, 'be a girl' thing out, I might as well do it properly...and bought them on the premise that they looked lovely on my legs. It's still not my favourite activity in the world...but you know how I love all things beautiful, and I don't spoil myself very often, so it was a pleasant feeling to see something that I really liked and then actually be able to own it, which is something else that doesn't happen very often - of course, there goes the last of my cash for the month. Totally worth it.

I feel dizzy now, so I think I should call it a night. Timothy's screen is spinning out of control, and I'm pretty sure that this time it isn't his fault. My 'get on with it' motto served me well this weekend, but I think sick has taken its toll on my body; I should rest up now so that my little white soldiers can regroup and kick this stupid bug out of my system. Goodnight World! Oh, and don't forget...

My Trusty Pinus

Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! There's only one person I want to talk to right now, and that one person is probably somewhere far, far away in dreamland. Plus, I'm not so sure that one person would want to talk to me even if they weren't.

I'm so tired, I feel like my body is a bag of sand. I haven't eaten anything all day either (save two little samoosa's at 10pm) - I just realised this now. Oh, and I drank a Red Bull around 10am - that kept me going for most of the day. My sinuses are beginning to make themselves known again (and there I was just getting used to forgetting they existed - darn you, Spring!). My hands are protesting and my back hurts and my head feels like it's going to explode; my throat feels as if someone took sandpaper and scrubbed it down and my eyes want to close, but my mind is refusing to oblige and shut down. 

Sleep well World, enjoy a night of slumber for me as well. I might as well try and get some assignments done while I'm up and about (under duress). Adios till the morrow. 

Smile & Wave

23:30 - 00:10 - 01:15 - 02:25 - 03:34 - 04:30 - 04:59 - 05:10

Those are the times at which my sleep broke last night - and I have nobody to blame but myself. I was growing too complacent you see; too content in the feeling of safe. My past crept up to remind me that it was still there, and that I couldn't erase it...I could forget for a while, but I couldn't make it disappear, no matter how much I wanted it to. And it's always the same memories - my personal film strip of revulsion. It's one of the worst feelings ever you know, to wake up in the darkness, with your panic wrapped around you and have nobody around to reassure you that it was just a dream - because wake up enough times like that, and you begin to almost believe that it's real.

I suppose we all have our demons huh. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and all that. Just don't be offended World, if I choose not to take your calls or reply to your texts today - it's nothing personal.

I sort of feel sick coming on as well, which means damage control is in order...I honestly hope that I didn't pass it on to Ordinary Guy, I scheme that's the last thing he needs right now.

Happy Thursday! (Just smile and wave guys, smile and wave) - it's a brand new day! 

I've come to like Tuesdays

Yes, I do know it's Wednesday.

I hear it's international book week! There's a status-tag going around Facebook where you grab the nearest book to you, turn to the page 52 and post the 5th sentence, without mentioning the title of the book. I thought I'd do that on The Pinus, seeing as how much I love my books...(If you have no idea, then hit the link --> The Book is Irreplaceable). Here's my excerpt - I bet nobody except maybe my Mentor can guess which book it's from!

"The war sucked us in like quicksand, Alok and Ryan got really into 'who is going to win this' kind of crap; I mean, you stop doing that when you are twelve I think (Superman or Batman?), but there was no stopping them."

And, even onions don't make me cry! I swear, I almost threw a hissy fit at myself (if that were ever my style I totally would have). I mean, come on tear ducts, give me a break won't you? Every time I go to a funeral I look like a hard hearted bitch next to everyone else weeping around me. I ran out of onions and still couldn't find a single tear.

Also, I feel like a bendy-straw today. Yes, that's right, bendy-straw. There's no other description - it's sort of like my muscles are all made of elastic. It's not an altogether unpleasant feeling at all, oh no, actually, I scheme I could get quite used to this (which could be problematic on a few different levels). 

The Lion, The Witch and The Mattress.

Ordinary Guy put the idea of Cinnabon into my head last night, and now I can't get the craving out of my system. Not cool.

On a happier note: The sun is out today! The sun is out today! Summer is on the way!
I would call it beach weather, except it's really windy - I wouldn't mind, though I know a lot of people would. Spring is actually my least favourite month for that precise reason - and because of all the pollen floating about (my sinuses go into hyper drive).

And, my mattresses are turning into the Narnia of forgotten objects - hairpins, bands, teddy bears and even lip-balm (and there I thought the evil pixies were at my stuff again) - just some of the things I found wedged between my beds. At first I was mind boggled, wondering how they all got there (yes, the pixies crossed my mind) and then I found a scrap of black material - and the penny dropped (that's one story I'm keeping to myself).

Where did the weekend go?

1) I feel redundant right now. Irrelevant. Inconsequential. Kind of useless really.
2) Sleep-texting someone, is just as bad as drunk-dialling them - even worse, because you have a tangible reminder of your patheticness.
3) Belly dancing is all the work out your body needs!
4) Never attend a bridal shower where both you and your mother are invited as guests.
5) Cousins are the perfect mix of friends and family.
6) Stay away from poisonous girls - they'll smile at your face and sink their fangs into your back.
7) Reminder: when making Creme Caramel, the sauce goes in FIRST - plus, I'm not so bad at this kitchen business (if only I could eliminate the bodily harm).
8) Oh. I am tired.

Chasing Cars

Milo was sitting on the railing last night (or rather, very early this morning) - except I didn't have any Milo Cereal. I sat at the dining room table with my cup of tea (yes, I drank tea), and kept him company like the good old days (not). He didn't reply to me - apart from his usual, sporadic, "whoo," and I didn't pretend to understand him either...but the company was comforting, even if it was just an owl.

I'm the only person I know who will walk towards something that other people will walk away from. And when things are going good, I somehow always find a way to screw them up - even when I'm trying my very best not to. I think that self-sabotage is my hidden talent.

Maybe it's a good thing that Milo and I will never understand each other - no chance of me botching that one up.

Nobody counts sheep any more...

I lay awake all night last night...thinking. I was thinking about how important a person's past is in relation to who they are today. I was thinking about how much weight that past would or would not carry in the present. I was thinking about how important that past might or might not be when juxtaposed next to what they might do next.

And I realised, that every single one of us was young and stupid at some point in our lives; every one of us has some skeleton in the closet that we aren't proud of; every one of us has done something that we wish we could take back. The thing is, you can't take it back; you can't undo what's already been done; you can't wipe the slate clean and pretend it was never written. It doesn't work like that.

The beauty of human nature though, is that it can change. I remember sitting in my Ethics lecture once, and the lecturer posed the question, "Do you think we can evolve from ourselves?" and I raised my hand and replied, "It depends, we can't change what's in our Nature," and then I was hit with an epiphany and continued, "Or...can we?"

In that moment, it hit me, that while our Nature is something that's intrinsic to us, it is not something that's set in stone - it's not as impeachable as our DNA for instance. We can change who we are, we can evolve, even in a personal capacity; we can, because we're human.

And here's the thing - we all have a past, but it doesn't define us. We are the sum of our experiences and therefore, we are the sum of our past...BUT, we are distinguished by our choices and actions in the present.

So never be quick to judge someone on their past self and never be ashamed to admit to being the people we once were, because that's what helped build us into who we are today. What defines us, are the decisions that we make in the here and now - those decisions won't affect our yesterday, but it will shape who we are tomorrow.

So the sum total of my full night lost in deep thought: nobody should be judged by who they once were or what they once did, if the person who they are now is the person you're proud to know, because without their past, they don't exist in the present. 

"You got a fast car, but is it so fast that we can fly away..."

I feel completely under the weather today (yes, I'm punny like that). I think it's a combination of the 10th September and the pointless back and forth that's an endless episode in our home. What makes me feel worse is that Ordinary Guy totally tried to cheer me up today, and I was being a total bitch about it. I just wanted to cry the whole time...and he was doing everything right.

Sometimes I just want to leave. Just, catch a bus to somewhere and start fresh. Leave everything behind, except myself. And as of recently, Ordinary Guy.

I never before factored anybody else into the equation.

Monkeying Around

The weekend, by the way, was pretty wonderful. I visited my beautiful beach! It's been ages since I actually stood on the shoreline and felt the water lap against my legs, or felt the cold shock of a wave as it attempted to drag me back with it...I think, since before my grandmother passed away. The sound of the water crashing onto the sand always soothes me, and wonderful things always happen at the beach. True Story. 

I drove a manual car this weekend too! After a year! So, ok, I stalled at the beginning - switched off on the take off. I'm not proud of that, but considering it's been an entire year (probably longer really) since I got behind the wheel of anything not an automatic, I really feel quite the coolbean - especially considering that after the first go, I totally caught the hang of it again (it's like riding a bike, except instead of balancing yourself, you have to balance the clutch - but once you get the feel of that, it's smooth going from there). I forgot how FUN manual cars are - going back to the auto proved to be quite the boring experience afterwards.

And, the monkeys seem to be attracted to me. Today, they inhabited my home - and refused to leave. I left for 5minutes (literally) and when I walked back inside, I saw them sitting on the kitchen counter and around, eating the sponge cake my aunt had baked for us. The little shits had opened the container and were feasting themselves - they didn't even flinch when I shouted at them! Then I strode towards them (I was rather very pissed off at this stage), and I think they realised that I meant business, because they ran further into the house, away from me. And then I realised that there were no exits for them that way and I was blocking the only one - and I realised too, that I didn't want to be the only thing standing between a troop of panicked monkeys and their escape route. So I backed out, subtly, and stood around outside waiting for them to make an appearance. Sure enough, soon, I saw one furtive furry little head peep outside the door and then a ball of grey shot out and over the balustrade, wall and subsequent bushes on the other side, followed by the others. And then they sat there, looking at me serenely and munching on my food. I shouted at them, I vented, I attempted to find a rock to chuck at them - and they didn't even flinch (well, I wouldn't either if I had a whole huge boundary wall between me and my offender). Little bastards.

On the plus side, I learnt how to remedy bruises. Well, I suppose it was common sense - seeing as a bruise basically occurs when the blood corpuscles burst due to too much friction or pressure, and then tiny clots form, causing the said bruise - so you basically have to get the free flowing blood to wash away the clotted one, so stimulate the area with a cloth soaked in hot (HOT) water a few times a day...and if you're in the right state of mind, prevention is better than cure, so as soon as the bruising occurs apply a cold compress. I feel so much more savy now. I'm told it works pretty well for love-bites too (just saying).

And on an aside: even though I've said this before and I'll probably say it countless times more, if he continues to be as coolbeans as he has been so far - Ordinary Guy is so far out of the realm of ordinary it's surreal...he really is, amazingly extraordinary.

P.s. I have a chocolate craving that's almost unbearable! I don't think that's normal...

"Fresh Out the Oven"

"OMG! The monkeys are having sex on your car!!!" exclaimed Bhen (aka Fuz aka Zaana) just as we were about to leave the house. And true to form, two monkeys were getting it on my hood. It would have been a rather traumatising experience, considering it was the new car, except Fuz's exclamation along with the two critters going at it in a truly desperate fashion turned it into quite a hilarious scene. We were there visiting Princess Mango Kisses at the time (hit the link if you're unfamiliar with her) and were accosted by a pink explosion as soon as I entered the house - it was her birthday yesterday, and it looked like a giant pink pinata self combusted in there - already 6 years old! They grow up so fast.

It was a rather full day for me - just the way I like it. I spent my morning playing chauffeur to the mothership, who for the first time ever didn't mind handing over control to me and remained perfectly still and un-bossy-like in the passenger seat. Global warming really does seem to have an effect on everything.

...Suddenly, D appears! One minute I was lying on my bed, talking on the phone with The Siv, and the next minute I hear D's voice on the other end of my door. I thought I was hallucinating to be honest, (like I missed her so much, that I was suddenly hearing her voice even when she wasn't around), except it sounded too life-like even for my over active imagination and I got up and opened my door a crack and realised in absolute glee that it really was her! We spent the afternoon sitting on my bed, eating the dessert she brought me (it was an aero concoction which was simply divine!), and discussing the many things our weekly emails just don't do justice to. It reminded me of the days back in school, where we would spend so much of time together that anyone would think we'd make each other sick - except we never did. We took it for granted back then, and now we treasure these times together. "It's you, it's you, you make me sing, you're my every word, my every line, you're my every thing..." - Yup, I still have the letter you wrote to me for my 16th; I keep it in my purse, and it's all dog eared and read so many times that the page looks all worn out and has crinkles over its crinkles.

My dad's gone off on a "boys weekend", though to be honest, I think these grown-ass men have lost the right to call themselves "boys", oh, I don't know, around 20years ago? They sent me pictures, showing me what a good time they're having. I'm glad - my dad works hard and doesn't play hard enough, he needs a break...though I miss him right now.

Anyway! Adios World! I'm out for the night - going to do something constructive, like watch Suits!

P.s "Monkeying around," will forever hold new meaning to me. 

That's what she said...

I attended another funeral today - people are just dropping dead all around. Last night Ordinary Guy was joking about doing just that today...it doesn't seem so funny any more, at all (not that it was that much funnier last night either). You know what really annoys the crap out of me? When women sit in a funeral home and decide to have their own conversations and catch-up sessions while the body is still lying there on the floor right in front of them - they're laughing and joking and having a merry old time, while the deceased is still surrounded by a shocked and grieving family. I don't understand how people can have so little respect for the dead. Do they forget that they will one day be lying in that exact same spot? It disgusts me. And, I discovered, I am still incapable of tears.

On a lighter note, Ordinary Guy is appalled at me (I don't blame him). See, I don't know our National Anthem. (Yes, I hang my head in shame). How many of you South African's out there know it though? Chances are probably only 3 out of every 10 Pinus Followers (and that too is being optimistic). It's abominable, truly. How can we call ourselves proudly South African? (Ok, in all honesty, I'm not really - I'm just sort of indifferent at the moment). But, we do live in a beautiful country despite all the nitty-gritty drama that goes on and as Ordinary Guy put it, "I love South Africa - it's the only country in the world, where people strike, for fun!!!"

And on a different wave-length all together, you know that sinking feeling you get when you realise that you're running out of your favourite perfume? Yeah, I felt that this morning. Not only that, but my favourite pair of sneakers is dying out on me too (my mother will probably celebrate its demise), I, however, am just trying to wring out as many wears as I can before it completely falls apart and I have to chuck it in the can - I won't even be able to give it away, it will be beyond all use by that time. The worst part is, I can't even remember where I bought these from, so a replacement pair isn't even an option...besides, these are the ones with all my memories of RetardLove.

Speaking of which! I spoke to Lin last night! (insert huge, larger than life, grin here). Oh, it's quite a thing to be able to have an entire conversation in sarcasm - refreshing really. It's going to be his and Bean's two year anniversary soon, and I can still remember the very first day I ever met him. If you haven't heard the legend of Sweaty Palms and the Death of Justin Bieber , I suggest you hit the link already. Lin, Lin, Lin...I miss the games of squash, I miss the random chocolates (and rations), I miss the hugs - but most of all, I miss our epic conversations.

Deer in the headlights

You know those moments when everything just seems to be out of control? I'm right in the middle of one of those. It feels like a whirlwind has come and turned my life all topsy turvy. I wish there was a kind of recycle bin you could just take everything and shove it in - like, when you're clearing up your computer desktop and all you have to do is click on what you want to get rid of and swing it into the little icon on the corner of your screen and *poof! it's gone.
I'm not sure what's wrong with me - it's definitely not hormonal (not the kind you're thinking of anyway) - the other kinds (do you get other kinds?) I'm not so sure about. I just feel - cornered.
That's precisely the description. Like I'm floundering around in a net and I can't free myself and the more I try to free myself the more tangled I end up.
Definitely not a good sign.
Agh!!!
I need to go for a run. Please make this abominably dreary weather disappear!!!

It's Happening - get with It, or get left behind.

I spent a little bit of Sunday bonding with Dex again - we watched the rather sad Liverpool match, but I had a rather pleasant time. As I left, I couldn't help but think to myself, "this isn't going to last forever." Things change, people change, life changes...and there's nothing any of us can do about it. And so, I've learnt to savour the moments before they disappear. People may not last, but memories last forever. My parents wonder why I'm not just content to sit around and let life go on, it's because I don't want to be an extra in my own story. I want to reach the end of the road or whatever, and be able to look back and say, "What an incredible journey!" And even if I don't get that chance of a backward glance, even if my story has to abruptly end without the happy ending, I don't want to go out with a few meagre lines to my name - I want to have written chapters and chapters and chapters of experiences - I want to have milked life for every moment that it's worth.

Fortune Cookie Says, "Happiness is a state of mind...and body."

On his face is a map of the world...

I'm listening to Thirty Seconds to Mars on repeat - on full blast, coz I'm trying to get my sketch on. Except the only problem is, my hands can't translate what's in my brain, onto paper. The product just isn't doing justice to my memory. You can imagine how absolutely frustrated I am right now! I'm quite tempted to tear it up and trash it, but it's come so far despite, that even though I'm really pissed off at myself I can't find the heart to desecrate this halfway there thing.
Actually, you know what? I blame Ordinary Guy. It's absolutely his fault for looking so freaking debonair this weekend - now nothing I ever try to replicate of it with my pencils will ever come close. Agh!
(Ok, so fine, maybe I am grinning thinking about how good he cleans up, but that is totally not the point!)

A Perfect Night

My sleeplessness tonight is unbearable. I've been tossing and turning, for hours, falling in and out of slumber, watching memories unreel through hazy eyes. I gave up an hour ago, and now here I am, back on The Pinus - my trusty friend in times of Insomnia.

I've not got much to say tonight World - except that Ordinary Guy is most definitely the furthest thing imaginable from Ordinary. Hot chocolate, laughter, long aimless drives, the ocean breeze and the waves crashing on the shoreline - my beautiful beach, a cocoon of cacophony - moonlight and raindrops...perfect nights are made of these.