Shake it out

I engaged in quite a bit of introspection today World. I read somewhere, that the most difficult place to be in life is not when nobody understands you, it's when you don't understand yourself. I've always thought that I've understood myself pretty well - but yet again, I've managed to be a surprise. I'm not a weak person by nature: I've grown a thick skin over the years. I may seem like a candy-floss-new-kid-off-the-block, but that's because I work very hard to be that way. They say, a picture is worth a thousand words - it's completely true. I paint a picture every day, one that most people find it easy to believe in. I don't think it's fair...it reminds me of a lie - but at the same time, I think I'm doing them a favour. Show them a pretty picture, and they're bound to ask few questions. Show them the alternate and suddenly they want a thousand words. I love my words, but sometimes, even words fail me. And that's when I turn to my hobbies: my drawings, my poetry, my daily jogs - and when I can, my exhausting swims. I've become so independent and so reliable on simply beating out the complications from my system on my own, that I've forgotten what it means to have someone else around who could be affected by them. Someone who won't, or can't understand. It's not their fault - but it's also unfair to them, because I don't think that's what they signed up for.
This someone once said to me, "the only thing to fear, is fear itself." At the time, I understood what they meant, but I couldn't really share the sentiment. Late last night - or rather, early this morning - I found myself categorising all those things that gave me pause, all those things that stole my words, all those things that wrapped me up in my iron mask...and realised, that they all linked back to one thing: fear. I'm not yet sure how to get rid of that fear - I thought that I had it under control; I thought that I had it bolted away tight...turns out I was wrong. Every now and then it creeps out and scares the bejeebies out of me - even when really, I have nothing to fear at all. It's irrational, I know...but I haven't yet learnt how to stare it in the eye and not lose my nerve. So that's a new goal for me this year World: shake out the fear.