A Year in the Life of Someone Who Knows No Stress...

Last night wasn't a particularly good night for me. Until, I sat on the floor of the room, folded into myself, counted to ten and slowly felt my anger melt away. And I began to think of the year I've left behind me...

1) I fell in love with India:

• I was bombarded by Mumbai - and it's addictive ever cyclic rhythms and beats.
• I danced with a gypsy prince and out in the streets, amid coloured confetti and a kaleidoscope of fireworks, in a pulsating crowd of people all gleefully counting down to the end of the world.
• I slept in a palace! The kind where epic tales are set, with narrow passageways, high walls, beautiful gardens and air so fresh it cut through my skin.
• I rode an elephant in Jaipur.
• I ate cotton candy off the streets.
• I spied a wild tiger in Ranthambore! I finally got to recite a poem that captured a moment so perfectly...
• I caught my breath at the Taj Mahal - at its beauty and its sadness...it is just a tomb after all.
• I witnessed the two extremes of Humanity - the nauseatingly rich and the innovative poor - living side by side, in shocking juxtaposition.

2) I got a little taste of teaching:

• And found out I'm capable of being the kind of teacher who I never used to like very much.
• And realised that I rather quite like it.
• And I discovered, I'm actually not that bad at it.

3) I lost someone I loved:

• I learnt how to keep calm when every nerve inside me is screaming.
• I stood next to death, and didn't even know it.
• I felt what it was like to be absolutely powerless.
• I watched people crumble, and found the glue to hold them together.
• I discovered my little shoulders are broader and stronger than I ever imagined.
• I finally understood what it truly meant to die a little bit inside.
• I realised that it's not so difficult to man-up when it's the only thing that holds you together.

4) The usual:

• I've nodded my head and choked back my words and stuffed away my angry thoughts a hundred times over.
• I've said yes, while thinking no, too many times to count.
• I've smiled to hide the scars nobody wants to see.
• I've sold so many pieces of my soul I've lost count - saying, "It doesn't matter," when it really does.
• I've forgiven - and watched it be blown away, a token taken for granted.
• I've asked forgiveness about just as much - and seen that tallied up against my criminal record.
• There were even times where I laughed so much, that I couldn't breath - when everything seemed so perfect.
• The bouts of fear and anger, and the running which seemed to be the only cure.
• Catch up sessions with the members of RetardLove, who's voices, every single time, make me feel like I've come home.
• Held my tongue and bit my pride and remembered that I still have more than others even wish they could have.
• Time with D - moments treasured.
• Still trying to conform into a world that simultaneously cuts me up and binds me together.

5) I've taken on the responsibility of someone else:

• And it's made me realise that old people, are very much like kids.
• I found my limitless store of patience.
• I learnt more about taking care of an invalid than I ever thought I'd need to know.
• I watch my grandfather grow older every day, I wonder every morning, "is this the day God is going to take him away?

6) I'm back to studying:

• And I remembered how much of a nerd I really am.
• My mind came alive again.

7) And I met Ordinary Guy:

• Someone who's both proportionately opposite to, and at the same time, quite like, me.
• A stranger - who really doesn't feel like such a stranger any more.
• One of the few people, who has the ability to make me feel infinitely stupid.
• The only person who somehow cheers me up with just the sound of his voice.
• My inspiration to sketch again...
• Who tries to take care of me - a welcome change from the past year of being responsible for everyone but myself.

Today, talking to Ordinary Guy, he made a comment - and I'm sure he was joking - but it still stung nonetheless. I wanted to say, "I'm not some flimsy, spoilt, little rich kid. I've been through more than you could ever guess."

I look back on my year, and while its had its highs and its lows - both were extremes and both in direct contrast to each other...and I thought of how making it all seem so effortless, requires more effort than you could ever imagine. 

My mother never told me that I was special.

"There are so many others in The World, like you."

- the empty promises, with no follow through.

My mother never told me that I was special...

I learnt not to mind.

It made me go ahead and prove her wrong,

Every single time.